So I haven't wanted to do this post.
You know, the one that talks about everything
that's going on with me on the *baby* front.
Weird thing is? I have NO idea why.
Anyone who knows me, knows that it's something I think about every day. It's something I long for, something I would do just about anything for... Something Ryan & I have been more or less trying for the past 2 years for.
Something I'm still healing from.
But with all of that, I've still been weary to write about it here.
I think because when I do that, I actually have to face whats going on.
Weird enough, because this is my safe spot.
But today, I'm going to anyways.
For the past few months I have been steadily going to see my doctor in hopes that we could maybe figure out why Ryan & I haven't been able to get
pregnant again. We were almost positive that we must not even be able to have kids in the first place, since we had gone about 7 years without any kind of birth control or contraception. We weren't trying to have a baby that whole time, it was just one of those if it happens it happens kinda thing.
But in July 2009, Ryan & I ended up in the "baby conversation"... and as it turned out, we were both pretty much ready for it to happen! We decided we actually wanted a baby...
We were gonna give it a try.
This is initially why we decided to tie the knot when we did. We had been engaged for almost 4 years, but just had never got things going. Figured we had been together this long, what was the hurry! :) But I wanted to be married if we were actually going to try for a baby.
Now, I don't want people thinking I find this to be a necessity...
no babies out of wed-lock and all that mumbo-jumbo.
No, Not at all. I don't really care how a baby is brought into the world, as long as it is cared for & loved as much as possible. That's all that matters to me. We had just been together for almost SEVEN years at that point, so I didn't see why we wouldn't make it official first. There was no reason for us NOT to get married. Plus, I just really wanted to. :)
So we did. On our 7 year anniversary.
We even ended up with the big wedding I never thought we'd get! It was amazing.
But as soon as the wedding was over... & I'm actually pretty sure there were a few people who mentioned it to us during the wedding... We got the pokes & prods.
"So?? Whens the baaaaby gonna be?? Soooon I hope?!"
I know this is pretty normal for newly weds to hear, & we laughed it off for awhile since we knew ourselves that we were actually trying. But it never happened. I kept waiting, & counting, & testing... But nothing. Finally almost a year later, I gave up. I figured, coming up on our 1 year married, 8 years together mark.. I figured if it hadn't happened now,
it probably never would.
I became extremely depressed. Didn't eat much, wasn't really interested in the things I normally was... I pretty much just absorbed myself as much as possible in
Gibby's pregnancy to keep my mind off my own sadness.
Even worst, is I actually started to get sick. I was nauseous, extremely sleepy, complete lack of any interest in any kind of food, & my body started aching like crazy! For a split second, I thought I was pregnant, but realized all to quickly that most likely that was not the case since I started my monthly cycle. Assuming that was the culprit for all the weird symptoms, I shrugged it all off and moved on as best I could. Very soon though, the pain became different, and the bleeding never did let up. 30 days it lasted before on a whim, early in the morning, I took a pregnancy test. Just to calm my nerves...
Never did I actually imagine to see 2 lines.
We all know what happened next.
(For those who don't, or want a little reminder, read
THIS &
THIS.)
It was months before I would even let Ryan touch me again. I kept regular contact with my doctor, Dr. Awesome, to insure everything was going smoothly since I went the natural, no help route to the miscarriage. Slowly but surely I got better. Eventually we were told by
Dr. Awesome that if we wanted to try again, we could. But I definitely wasn't ready. I had only just began to let Ryan kiss me again, & the thought of...that... made me sick. Not because of Ryan or anything, just remembering all the pain, physical & emotional, & now the emptiness... it was too much. I was still breaking into tears anytime the miscarriage was mentioned, or even if I saw another pregnant woman
... I was a wreck.
Ryan was really worried about me, so he made me dinner, and we had a talk. He told me he would wait as long as I needed. He didn't mind at all... and that he really didn't want me to feel pressured to get up and try again before I was ready. So we agreed to leave the thought of pregnancy alone for awhile, and focus on just being together and healing.
It worked out great, & before I knew it, I was able to talk freely about what had happened. It's definitely something that still makes me sad, but it doesn't send me into despair anymore. I can talk about it, answer questions, and offer my thoughts on the situation without feeling that pain in my gut.
I even told Ryan I would really like to try again.
Over the next few months, we tried.. and tried... and tried. When nothing happened again, I immediately talked to
Dr. Awesome. She ran a few tests, and did some exams, and taking my history of ailments, including extremely irregular cycles, came to the conclusion that she was thinking I might be suffering from
PCOS.
Since
Endometriosis runs highly in my family, including my mother having a very nasty case of it herself, I was already aware of this possibility. So
Dr. Awesome got me started on Progesterone, on the hopes that it would help me cycle regularly so that I could maybe have a better chance of getting pregnant, while helping
a few other symptoms along the way.
Dr. Awesome had me regularly testing for ovulation while taking the medication, & tracking every cycle and sexual encounter. I went in for a few more exams during, but after 5 months with nothing happening, and my cycle starting to become irregular again while still ON the medication... She ordered a few more tests, a few ultrasounds, & Ryan to go get his "manly donation" tested for speed & number. She also recommenced I start seeing an actual OB. She referred me to one she was happy with & that worked in the office upstairs, so I went.
Meeting the new OB, Dr. Rockstar, was nerve-racking. I had been with Dr. Awesome forever, & was very comfortable with her. But as soon as Dr. Rockstar walked into the exam room I was calmed. He was so sweet, and kind, and knowledgeable. He listens, & doesn't make you feel rushed, and tells you exactly what he's thinking. He even joked around a bit with Ryan & I. We couldn't be happier with anyone else.
After a quick exam, (at this point I've had so many people up in my bits the last 3 months, it didn't bother me at all.) & taking a look at my charts & ultrasounds, & Ryan's results... (Which turned out perfect) ...he asked Ryan & I to tell him our ideal end result. Stunned by this sudden question I clammed up, & it was Ryan that answered.
A baby. We want a baby.
He informed me of his plan, it's pros & cons, & what the next 3 steps would be if for some reason it didn't work. He also then informed me that he no longer thought we were dealing with PCOS. He was leaning more towards early Endo.
*sigh*
I wasn't upset, we've known this was going to happen eventually, and I'm actually a lot older than my mom was when it first hit her. She had all 3 of us girls while dealing with Endo before she finally had to get a hysterectomy. No, This wasn't bad news, it was just another hurdle to make it over.
Dr. Rockstar decided he wanted to take a new approach. A 3 month stint of low dose Clomid to see if we couldn't get a
"quick pregnancy"... Then if that didn't work we would move on to some other things.
A quick pregnancy? After this long, those two words didn't seem like they should belong in the same sentence. On top of that, fertility drugs made me very weary. He promised me this was not something that would make me the next
Octo-Mom, but it would up my percentage for twins by 15%... This made me laugh, since we already have twins that run on both my moms & dad's side... and Ryan's Dad & great grandfather are twins.
OFCOURSE. But, Oh well... We want that baby!
So Ryan & I agreed to put our trust in him!
I'm now in the middle of my first "cycle" on the Clomid... Having only finished taking the first set 4 days ago. It definitely adds a lot of scheduling to our lives, what with
ovu-testing, pill taking, timing sex, preggo-testing ....uugh!
I really don't have my hopes up for this first or even second cycle to actually work. That's not how my luck goes, but I'm actually trying my best not to think about it.
Ryan & I did talk about what we would do if I do end up pregnant... who we would tell & how we would tell it... & we've decided. We are going to wait until the end of the first Trimester before we tell anyone.
That way, the chances of another miscarriage go down to about 20%
& just in-case something does go wrong, I can tell people on my own time... & not have to deal with the "never mind, not preggo" conversations again.
But we are keeping our hopes up!
If it works, it works. I guess we'll see!
:)
