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Friday, August 29, 2014

And my world stopped spinning



Need a recap of what I'm talking about? read HERE.

Pt.6
And my world stopped spinning.


Now that I had figured it out, things started to fall into place.

The way he was dressing, the way he was talking, the way he was acting..
It all made sense.

Ryan, liked Tori.

I was no longer confused, I know my husband. 
This is what was going on.

But why would he hide that?
Something so small as a crush.. I never have cared before?

Then I began to think about it. Maybe it was because this was TORI we were talking about. My best friend. I could see how maybe he felt a bit awkward confessing that.

The next time I talked to Tori I mentioned it to her.

"What are you talking about? No, no way. We are just friends."

As I tried to convince her she gave me reason after reason why it couldn't be true.
How he loves me and no one else and hes just in a funk. 
"Just be patient, he will go back to normal soon."

But I was already convinced.

I never mentioned it to Ryan because I didn't want to embarrass him. If he wanted to talk to me he would, so I just left it alone. I started to to feel better, silly even at how worried I had been. What was I thinking? This was RYAN. He has never done anything to hurt me, in 11 years. Even after everything I have put him through, he had always been good to me. Such a worrywort I had been, when it turned out to be nothing but a simple crush.

Eventually, Tori decided to stage an "intervention" of sorts. A marriage mediation. Where Ryan & I could talk about what was going on and how we were feeling with a middle man there to help. I had done this for Tori & her husband many times before, so this wasn't weird to us, and could be really helpful. So we agreed.

After 4 hours of yelling, crying, and talking it out Ryan and I both had a list in hand of things we were going to work on, to try to make things better. To give us a fighting chance. As we were getting ready to leave Tori looked at me and said:

"See? I told you he still loves you."

"I never said I didn't think he loved me Tori, I just think he also likes you. And its ok, it's better than what I thought was happening!"

Ryan was taken aback,
"What did you think was happening, Jaimie?"

"Honestly? I thought you were having an affair with Missy from work. I mean, that's what it seemed like! But now I see, its just Tori! You have a crush on Tori, and babe it's ok! Tori is awesome, why wouldn't you? Honestly, you could be having an affair with Tori and I would never know! ahaha Though that does make a little more sense then Missy. I mean, You and Tori are so much alike, you get along great, you have the same humor.. honestly if we all wern't married I would say you would make the perfect couple! ahaha."

They both just stared at my wide eyed.

"Oh! I'm not saying that is what is happening! I'm just saying it made sense if it was." 

They both awkwardly laughed and told me that was never an option for them. We shook it all off and went home, with hopes of better days to come.

But as the days went by, nothing really changed.
 Just in my clarity I began to notice even more.

It wasn't just Ryan who was acting strange. So was Tori.
I must have thrown her off by telling her how I felt,
 but even her husband noticed and pointed it out to me one evening. 

"Somethings going on with Ryan & Tori."

When I asked him to elaborate, he began telling me that he had noticed Tori being on her phone more and more. More secretive. Whenever he would ask her about it she would only respond with "nothing." He then told me he had mentioned Ryan and Tori had become very defensive.

"I know my wife, Jaimie. Something is up."

So I explained to him how Ryan & I had been having some issues, and how Tori had been helping us out, a middle person in a way. I've known Tori's husband for a long time, and was comfortable talking to him about it. 

"I think in a way, Ryan might have developed a bit of a crush because of it." 

We both laughed at this, cause it made perfect sense. I told him how I had talked to them both about it and how that could be making things a bit odd for the moment, just to give her some space on the subject. He agreed, and things seemed okay.

Then Ryan & I went to Spokane, and on the drive there were got in an argument about the whole situation. It wasn't very good.

"I can't believe you Jaimie!"
"Well Ryan! What did you expect? 
That I would just ignore that you were acting like that?"
"Well did you have to go and make the whole situation awkward by saying something to Tori? I mean really Jaimie, now she is so uncomfortable."
"What? What about how I was feeling Ryan? Why are you so damn worried about Tori?! Are you sleeping with Tori, Ryan? Was I right?"
"No dammit! Nothing is going on with Tori or anyone else! Just stop!"
"Oh Really? Swear."
"What?!"
"Swear Ryan! Swear to God! Swear on Kai that nothing is going on between you two!"
"Yes! Now leave it alone!"
"Yes what?!"
"Yes Jaimie! I swear on Kai! Okay? Is that what you want?! Fuck!"

In that moment I knew something was wrong, because Ryan began to cry.

"Oh, oh. Hunny.. I'm so sorry."
"Just stop Jaimie, okay?"
"Yeah, okay. I'm really sorry baby. Really..."

I had pushed him to far.

The rest of the weekend things were actually better. We made a no phone, no tech agreement for the weekend and just enjoyed each other. Honestly it was the happiest I had been in months.. Same for Ryan. We had some much fun, and were so close. We cuddled and laughed and flirted. We played together like we were teenagers in that first month together. It was fantastic.

On the trip home we held hands, we laughed, we stopped on the side of the freeway to kiss under the stars. I was convinced we had hit our breaking point and survived.  When I knew we were close to home, I made a request:

"Babe?"
"mmHmm?"
"Please don't tell Tori about what happened on the way here. Please.. I feel horrible. I'm sure shes worried on why we didn't talk to her the whole trip, but she will understand when she sees that things are so much better. Just please don't tell her... okay?"

I could tell I had re-hit a nerve and didn't want to upset him again, so I left it at that.
He agreed, and we drove the rest of the way home in comfortable silence.  

The next few days were relatively normal. I had visited the realtor a few times and had some new prospects for moving and wanted to show them to Tori. We agreed to meet at a local park so that Linnie could play while we talked and went over the houses I had found. Kai was only 3 or 4 months old at the time, so he would sit with us.

When I got there Tori was sitting on a park bench with all her stuff ready. I was on the phone with Ryan letting him know where I was at. As I sat Tori began handing me a notebook.

"Your with Tori?"
"Yeah. We are going to go over the houses the realtor gave us"

*looking at Tori*
("What is this?")
("Just read it, outloud.")
"Oh, Okay. Well let me know how it goes."

I had read what Tori had written on the paper, and wasn't thrilled.

"Okay I will baby.. No Tori, I'm not reading that outloud."
"What?"
"Nothing, Tori just has me holding this piece of 
paper that she wants me to read outloud."
"Oh? Whats it say?"
"Oh, Ugh. It says.."
("No! When your off the phone!") Tori whispered.
 
 I looked at her, feeling so confused, but waited to read it.
 
"Okay babe, nevermind. I gotta go.. Tori's acting crazy.
 I'll message you in a bit, ok? Love ya."

"Ok. I Love you Jaimie.... so much. Text me soon"

When I hung up I looked at Tori.
"What is your deal? I am not reading that outloud."
"Jaimie, Please.."
 
The paper she had handed me had a very short statement written.

~Do you swear on Linnie & Kai, That you have never slept with Ryan.~

"No! I know what your doing! Ryan already told me, I know. I'm acting crazy, I'm sorry.. Just let it go. okay? uugh. Lets look at these houses."

 "Jaimie. Read it. Outloud, please."

Apparently she wasn't going to let this go. I knew what was happening. She was going to make me read this out loud, word for word, so that she could say "yes, I swear." And then scold me for doubting her. It was going to be a long conversation about trust and friendship and honesty.

Ugh. 

"Fine lets get this over with so we can look at these houses. Tori,
Do you swear on Linnie & Kai, that you have never slept with Ryan?"


I gave her the most exasperated why-are-you-making-me-do-this look that I could muster while gently bouncing Kai in my lap. 

The look she gave me stopped me cold.

"No, Jaimie. I don't."

(To be continued..)

 

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Monday, August 25, 2014

VMAs 2014 Recap


Like most people in the country, I tuned in for MTV's VMA's last night.


The red carpet was crawling with moments that felt so "YES YES YES!" 
& way to many seconds that had me cringing "Oh no!" 

Lets start first with addressing the atrocity that is this jumble-o-denim:


via

Katy Perry & Riff-Raff paying nostalgic tribute to Brittany & JT in 2001 
prompting a slew of "Who wore it better?" updates all across twitter.

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On her own I think Katy is adorable & the 90's Versace style salute brought a smile to my face 
when I saw her step out of that neon orange Lambo and onto the red carpet.


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Her twitter post moments before was a cheeky wink as well:


 Honestly its this Riff-Raff guy that makes me uncomfortable.

The sharp shark teeth grill.. The orange/pink braids.. Strange oversized bejeweled cartoon character ring.

The guy is awkward. Like that 3rd cousin you never knew you had that shows up to a family BBQ and wont stop staring... GO AWAY. -_-

But we love Miss Katy, She does weird her way & does it well. 
Plus, I mean, come on... it's Versace! :)

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Animal print made a good show on the red carpet. The Beautiful Nicki Minaj was dressed very simply in long sleeved leopard print dress, while Charlie XCX sported a fun over the shoulder tiger striped jumper.
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Red dress? Check. Red lips? Check. Low cut? Yup. Slit to high heaven? Duh.
Yup, Demi & Rita definitely got that memo.

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Maybe I'm just not up on "fashion hip trends" but these two ladies befuddled me with their choices. 1st of all, Amber Rose.. at this point, why do you wear anything at all? Obviously all your trying to do is create enough of a stir to make headlines.. unfortunately barely anyone noticed. And Solange? I will just never understand that cocker spaniel-inspired hairdo or oversized suit jacket with no shirt or bra for that matter. Uhm, at least you wore simple cute shoes? I guess..


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 And ofcourse just a few who I felt looked incredibly awesome.
Lucy Hale & Miley both look so grown up and chic in black leather. 

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Victoria Justice really caught my attention with not just the ruffled skirt & tub top, but that #Hashtag clutch! The gorgeous Jordan Sparks looks radiant in that white low cut piece.
 
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Summer is still here with there two Gals!
Nina Dobrev went for classy and relaxed with a high pony & the two toned Maxi 
while Jessie J kept it light and fun with this breezy Maxi.


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Its absolutely ridiculous to me that the sexy 3-piece suit & smooth sultry sounds of Sam Smith... 
(he sings that beautiful song "Stay With Me")


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Lost to Simon Cowell's X-Factor ladies group Fifth Harmony. I am NOT happy about that.
Plus, I will never like that weird halfway grown out bleach job. It just looks lazy.


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And the immaculate Iggy Azalea walked away with nothing? What the hell?!?
....But DAMN that girls body...
 Hugged tight in that beautiful silver Versace gown that had to be fitted specially for that booty!
 GeeeezUS!


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Gwen came out in a stylish hot pink rocker pantsuit from her own line L.A.M.B.
while O.I.T.N.B. 's Laverne Cox knocked our socks off in that over the shoulder sparkly mini and legs for days!


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Usher was there in his signature all white, while Snoop was sporting dreads instead of his signature braids, heart shaped aviators, & a dream-catcher necklace which bottom feathers seem to bare a striking resemblance to a pot leaf. Nice Snoop :)


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Chanel Iman went for the skin tight suffocate and trap my legs look while T-swizzle decided to let those long long legs be free. I'm not sure how I feel about either of these.


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But you gotta love Taylor for her random mini dance parties



The youngest two girls of the Kardashian Clan stuck close to their older sister. 
But man oh man have those two grown out of their awkwardness and into the family name. 
(Yes I know they are actually Jenner's, but really?)


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Miss Nicki sported two other looks as well as her spots... 

The green-Anaconda-short-booty-shorts-show-them-what-twerking-REALLY-is look:

nicki-buttpop
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And the this-is-a-major-wardrobe-malfunction-but-I-aint-trippin' look



bangbang
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Cause really! She just strolls around the stage and keeps on going like 
"What? This is how I wanted to wear my dress."

Nicki Minaj
 via

 THIS is what it was supposed to look like:

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 She knew she had it either way. That girl is hawt!

Now for the show stopper. The ultimate. You can call her Queen B:

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Bey looked stunning in a black lace and beaded gown 
with geometric lines by Lebanese designer Nicolas Jebran. 

She came out and showed everyone that up until that moment had just been the Jr. High Talent show warm-ups to her big show


Get More: 2014 VMA, Artists.MTV, Beyonce, MTV VMA Video Vanguard (Medley), Music, More Music Videos


And then there was the moment.. the moment that tops them ALL:

bey-royalfamily-kiss

Guess that puts those divorce rumors to rest now doesn't it?

Alright Emmy awards.. lets see what you got!

If your watching tonight, join me on Twitter
@MrsJLRussell


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Friday, August 22, 2014

ALS Ice Bucket Challenge



For those of you who don't follow me on Twitter or Instagram, this week Ryan, Kai & I were challenged by the beautiful Summer Breeze to the
#IceBucketChallenge

If your now thinking 
"That the hell are you talking about now, Jaimie?" 

Stop, right now. Open a new tab, go to Google or Youtube and simply type in "The Ice Bucket Challenge" and watch a few of the many many videos you will find. From regular Joes like you and me to some of the biggest celebrities, the Ice Bucket Challenge has been sweeping the nation. More than likely you can type in the names of your top two people of entertainment and find them there, joining in on the fun!

Where the heck have YOU been? Under a rock??

Now before you start saying "Oh no Jaimie, not you too! Don't get swept up in the hype!" Just take a second to take a breathe, cool your jets, & watch this:


 This is not another #HarlemShake fad. This is the REAL DEAL. A phenomenon that has caught spark and flew through our entire nation bit by bit. And the kicker?

It's actually For A GREAT CAUSE.

ALSA.org has announced on their site that as of Aug 16th 2014, THANKS to the #icebucketchallenge they have received $11.4 million in donations. That's up from the $1.7 million during the same time frame (July 29th to Aug 16) as last year.

No matter how it happened, THAT seems like it's been pretty damn effective to me.

Not everyone has the means to donate, and that's OK. It's still passing the torch, raising awareness. Someone else you pass it to might be able to donate where you couldn't.. That's how it works. I hadn't even paid attention to this challenge until I was nominated myself.

I read recently in an article an opinion that I feel fits perfectly:

"Besides raising money and awareness, I think the challenge has served as a way to unify people. Hundreds of people from celebrities to everyday people like me and you have taken the challenge and it's fun to bond, unite and connect through this one simple act.

It's fun to be part of something larger than ourselves. It's fun to share in the efforts of an entire group of people spanning different regions, religions, genders, races, ages, and economic status."

 -( http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/5688544?utm_hp_ref=impact&ir=Impact )

See? There is that word again.. FUN.


And that is exactly what this cause needed. A bit of FUN to bring people's attention around to a disease that NEEDS the spotlight... even if for only this brief moment.

Here is just another video to shed some light on the seriousness that comes along with the horrifying disease that is ALS.
 (Make it past the 2 minute mark, I promise it gets to the point.)



So here it is, the Ice Bucket Challenge completed by both myself & the hubby..
and our little minion :)

So just like the video said... my challenge goes out to ALL of you.
Yup, YOU!

Get up, get a bucket & rise to the challenge!
And if you are able, don't forget to donate.. every little bit helps!

 



It's 5 seconds of cold, wet fun.. to help a cause.
Plus, how can you say no to fun?


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Wednesday, August 20, 2014

She has NO idea.




Need a recap of what I'm talking about? read HERE.

Pt.5
She has NO idea.

Things were falling apart. 
I could feel it.

& I was helpless.

I reached out to Tori the next day, hoping her short span of time around both of us could provide an outsiders opinion. See something I was missing.

The only opinion she had was that we needed to come home.

"I think you guys being apart while he's at work is going to be a bad idea." 

What was I supposed to do? We were starting our family in our new home. A home I had worked really hard on the last 6 months to make exactly that... a HOME. 
Why in the world would I move away? 

In the end it worked out that we needed to move back for a short period anyways so that I could finish the schooling that I had put a hold on when Kai was born. It had always been the plan for me to finish once Kai was old enough, but being in Spokane was presenting to be a problem for my school. We had already talked to Tori & her husband about moving in with them again as we had a few years before, just long enough for me to finish school and then head back to Spokane. They wanted to be done with the roommate they had at the time and it would allow for an easy financial change over for them. So the search to find a place big enough for our two families began.

Durring that time things grew worse between Ryan and I. Somewhere along the way he confessed that he was talking via text to the Tori from his work, but that was all that it was. Knowing my husband had no experience in being anything other than monogamous, this calmed my fears for a short bit since I figured it was just an attention thing.

Nothing to worry about.
Just a fling.
Just texting.

And Snapchat.

For the record, I seriously hate that app. 

After a few weeks it became obvious my husband was getting a little more invested than "Just texting" with this girl. Now that I knew about it he made no attempt to hide the fact that he was exchanging time with me or talking to me for time spent with or talking to her. I was instantly knocked down a few pegs on his importance scale. 

It's just the attention. It feels great to be wanted by someone new. 
He hasn't had that for along time..something new. Give him a break.

That's what I would tell myself.

But as he felt better and better about himself because of this other girl, who I irritatingly referred to as "his little missy" or just "Missy" for short so as I wouldn't get her name confused with that of my Tori... I felt less and less important. 
Less and less wanted. Less and less loved. 

I never felt like he didn't love me.. I just felt less loved as I had before.
And everytime that he left Kai & I home in Spokane to drive back to Seattle for work,
 the time alone was agony.

So I made a decision. 

I called my dad and asked if it was okay for Ryan, Kai & I to stay in his new (very nice) motor home for a month or two while we looked for a place in the area to move into with Tori & her family. My Dad was all to happy to help since it meant his one and only grandson would be steps away from his front door. 

I told Ryan the next time he came home what the new plan was, and I was surprised when he wasn't happy about it! Up until that, he had been sleeping on a twin mattress that we had shoved into the back of his outback. I thought he would be thrilled to sleep on a normal bed. I also thought he would be a lot happier not having to be away from Kai & I so much... especially Kai. But as we made the move I could tell how unhappy this was making him. How irritated he was to have us around. 

How is it that my best friend, the man I have spent the last eleven years with, the man I married and had the most beautiful baby with, suddenly loathes my company?

I was so lost.

"Tori, I don't know what to do. I'm trying everything. I'm dressing nice everyday. I'm being so super sweet. I'm being calm and happy and understanding. I'm here for him. but he's shutting me out. He doesn't even want to hold me.. or kiss me, let alone anything else. He's never, EVER been one to turn down sex.. yet I have gotten every excuse under the sun for the last two weeks from him. He doesn't even really seem to want to hold Kai.."

"Well hunny, he's distancing himself. He says he feels lost as well. Like Something broke and you guys are having a hard time fixing it."

"But if he wont even talk to me about it, if he wont even try! I just don't.. wait, when did he talk to you?!"

"He called me and asked for some advice, thats all."

But something about that didn't seem right.
That didn't at all seem like my Ryan.

Ryan felt that he couldn't talk to Tori because he felt she would always take my side no matter what. He had always told me felt uncomfortable talking to her about things because he knew she would just turn around and tell me anyways..

So why would he call her?

Over the next week or so I started to ask more questions. Paying more attention to who he was talking to. More and more, I came to notice Tori, not Missy in Ryan's phone log. Yes, I will even admit I checked his phone.. something I don't normally make a habit of. Matter of fact I am the one scolding my girlfriends when they tell me they are doing the same thing.

"I just need to know what's going on Tori! Something is not right.. 
I mean, why wouldn't he tell me that he's talking to you even? I mean, you two talk all the time! I saw his call records on his phone.."

This was not a simple statement. I knew what I was doing.
 I was checking an idea.. a thought I was hoping was wrong.

Two days later the opportunity to see Ryan's phone presented itself again. 
When I checked, my suspicions were confirmed.

"I'm TELLING you Tori! It's so weird, I was telling you about checking his phone, which I never do.. never had a need before.. but then the next time I look at his phone, everything is erased. Everything! Call logs, texts, everything! I'm telling you he must have overheard me or I let it slip or something, cause he never does that. He has a horrible memory, he leaves everything so he can check back when he forgets what he talked about. It's really out of character. I tried talking to him about it, but he won't say a word. You didn't say anything to him did you? It's so weird that it just happens to be after I said something to you! Like what he's hiding IS the fact that he's talking to you! I'm telling you... he MUST have over heard me."

He hadn't overheard me. I knew this. There was no way. He wasn't even home the day I had talked to Tori about it. I knew she must have said something to him during one of their talks. But now I had made it known to her that I knew what was going on. 

Passive-aggressive I know, & completely not my style.. but it was Tori's style. And now that I knew she was talking to him more than she was leading on, I started noticing signs of her in conversations I would have with Ryan. 

The next two weeks were touch and go.. I'm not even entirely sure of what happened along that time. All I know is I became even less aware of little Missy from his work, and increasingly convinced there was a bigger thing happening.

I was convinced that with all her attempts at trying to save my marriage,
 Tori had succeeded in nothing but my husband falling for her..
 & I didn't even think she had realized it.

 
 (to be continued...)


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Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Geting back to the hunt...


 Joining Ashley over at Ramblings & Photos for




1. Home
  
Potty Training... What a fun & patient experience!
 
2. Guilty Pleasure

...I love taking pictures of them while they are sleeping...

3. Lucky

To have this place to disappear to when things get rough. To have this place of serenity. 
My own little bubble of peace. Must be luck <3

 4. Heart

My Heart, my soul, my everything. I am nothing without these two.

5. Window



Aquariums are windows into a whole new world. I love watch Kai's light up as he discovers more and more on our adventures, He's such a smart little boy!



Next week:
1. Table Setting
2. Flowers
3. Children
4. Running
5. Photographer's Choice



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