...I'm going back to school...

As I sit here on the couch staring at the computer screen… Wondering what to type next, I realize I'm lost. I'm lost in the thought that I start school in less than five days.

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 Me! Going back to school!

 It's been 10 years… I almost don't know what to do with myself.

 Every time I start to think about it, 

the un-comfort of being in a new place I don't know. 

The nervousness of meeting new people I don't know. 

The unease of learning a new subject that I know absolutely nothing about… 

I have to admit, this is all extremely terrifying. 

Ryan, Being the sweetheart that he is… Tried to take me to the supply store to get stuff that I need, trying to get me into the excitement of it all. But instead of excitement, walking through the aisles with my hands full of pink school supplies… I started to think about everything That was looming... And I stopped breathing. 

Yup! Right there in the middle of Office Depot, hyperventilating in the kids crayons section, there's me having a full-blown panic attack…  

Over going back to school. 

Poor Ryan, I really don't know how he deals. 

When I began sobbing for no reason, it was everything in his power that he could do to not laugh at me. He just call me pulled me into his arms, told me to breathe and talked me through the whole thing… not that that was an easy task in itself. I was crying so hysterically you couldn't make out one word I was saying. Not that I would repeat any of the incessant naïve twiddling that I was babbling on about anyways.

 It only lasted a few minutes, and as soon as I started to calm back down Ryan carefully walked me out of the kids isle... When I'm upset, Ryan puts his hand on the back of my neck palm down to kind of relax me… 

we will walk this way, and it helps me feel centered. 

I'm sure to everybody else around us though, it looks like he's leading a very disobedient wife out of the store. A wife he has just scolded so badly so much she began to cry… 

Oh boy. Poor Ryan.. The looks that I've seen him get from the women around us, I don't know how he has put up with me for this long. If only they knew really how sweet & supportive he really is! I mean come on. Your wife tells you that instead of getting a job, shes gonna go back to school for almost a year... And he takes extra shifts at work! 

<3 

I know that in the end this will all be for the better. A great big step towards a wonderful new future... But that's the thing. I'm worried I won't make it that far... 

Wish me luck?

Don't forget to check out 366 Pages

1 picture & 1 simple thought for each day this year.

Today's photo:

Everyone Changes

Everybody changes, right?

Some for the better, some for the worst.

But how do you know which is which? How do you know what is a phase, and what is real change? How do you know what to put up with, what to ignore and what to speak out to?

If everybody changes, I cant be the only one feeling like this, right??

But everybody changes. Even your person.

....You know what I mean "your person"....

 

Everyone has a person. That single soul who you feel connected to in a way beyond just friends. When you know that someone better than anyone else, and they know everything about you, even the things you only tell your diary. Cause thats how it works, when you find your person.

But even your person can change.

Even your person can turn so quickly into a stranger you would never want to know. A person who criticizes, and judges. A person who feels the need to be defensive over every statement you make. To snap at every opinion you have. To rub your nose in everything they consider a mistake.

They purposely put aside the things they know about you. Little details that make you, you. Little things that always allowed you a little extra say, a little extra patience. They stop hearing your words as helpful, thoughtful, and caring... & start to hear their own twisted versions of hatred and betrayal. They start to treat you like any other random person, or even as an enemy.

Then you try to talk to them, try to tell them how you feel. Next thing you know they are freaking out! Blowing steam out of their ears and spitting in your face with comments that hold no ground. Bringing up situations that hold no coincidence. Telling you how you're not there for them, that you don't really care, that as far as they are convinced they can do without you. They will make you feel like you don't matter as much as you thought.

And that thought, will kill you.

No matter what happens next, no matter how much you try, no matter how much they act like everything is normal... it's not. It will never be like it was again. 

Because in the end, nothing stays the same. 

Everyone changes.

Don't forget to check out 366 Pages

1 picture & 1 simple thought for each day this year.

Today's photo: