I pull up the blog.
I get comfy.
Ready to do what has made me happy everyday lately.
Ready to write.
But instead, I just stare at the screen.
Nothing is there.
A blank space where normally all of my thoughts weave themselves into beautiful words and pictures recalling an old memory not forgotten or spinning a new story for eager ears.
But instead, I have nothing.
Instead I am plauged with thoughts of fear, & doubt. Things I try my best not to include here. This is supposed to be my happy place... a place to get away. A place where none of my inner turmoils have any hold over me. I can say what I think & feel what I want...
But this time, I can't hide.
This time, I can't pretend.
In October, I experienced the worst pain I have ever known.
Physically and emotionally I am drained from this.
I have yet to allow myself to succumb to the feelings of this unfortunate incident that my life has given me to indure. I have yet to give in to the moment of weakness that awaits me.
I have tested that shadow.. allowed it to tickle my cheek..
but I don't like its cold touch on my skin.
Even though that moment lingers on the sidelines of my sanity awaiting for its turn to surrond my soul and force me to collapse under its wrath... I do my best to ignore its rants & catcalls. I turn my shoulder and pray that eventually it will find a new person to torture with it's clever brand of adult-style bullying & leave me be.
But I don't think that going to happen.. not any time soon atleast.
And now... a new fear is looming on the edges... preparing to jump on the doggy pile and hope to break what little pride I have left. It's probably my anxiety stricken brain, seeing and feeling exactly what I hope is wrong... but the symptoms of another pregnancy are all there. Even though October is un-likely to repeat itself.. the thought of the possibility is unbearable.
And what if I am?
good or not, its way too soon.
IM NOT READY.
So here I sit.. staring at the blank page.. begging & pleading my brain to give me something...ANYTHING to keep my thoughts off what i suspect my be the unraveling of my very being...
and wonder...
what is next?
** If you are AT ALL confused**
read these older posts to known the back story:
