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Tuesday, December 7, 2010

What is going on with me??

I pull up the blog.
I get comfy.
Ready to do what has made me happy everyday lately.
Ready to write.
But instead, I just stare at the screen.
Nothing is there. 

A blank space where normally all of my thoughts weave themselves into beautiful words and pictures recalling an old memory not forgotten or spinning a new story for eager ears.

But instead, I have nothing.

 Instead I am plauged with thoughts of fear, & doubt. Things I try my best not to include here. This is supposed to be my happy place... a place to get away. A place where none of my inner turmoils have any hold over me. I can say what I think & feel what I want...

But this time, I can't hide. 
This time, I can't pretend. 

In October, I experienced the worst pain I have ever known. 
Physically and emotionally I am drained from this. 

I have yet to allow myself to succumb to the feelings of this unfortunate incident that my life has given me to indure. I have yet to give in to the moment of weakness that awaits me.
I have tested that shadow.. allowed it to tickle my cheek..
but I don't like its cold touch on my skin.

Even though that moment lingers on the sidelines of my sanity awaiting for its turn to surrond my soul and force me to collapse under its wrath... I do my best to ignore its rants & catcalls. I turn my shoulder and pray that eventually it will find a new person to torture with it's clever brand of adult-style bullying & leave me be. 

But I don't think that going to happen.. not any time soon atleast. 

And now... a new fear is looming on the edges... preparing to jump on the doggy pile and hope to break what little pride I have left. It's probably my anxiety stricken brain, seeing and feeling exactly what I hope is wrong... but the symptoms of another pregnancy are all there. Even though October is un-likely to repeat itself.. the thought of the possibility is unbearable.

And what if I am?
good or not, its way too soon. 


So here I sit.. staring at the blank page.. begging & pleading my brain to give me something...ANYTHING to keep my thoughts off what i suspect my be the unraveling of  my very being...
and wonder...

what is next?

** If you are AT ALL confused**
read these older posts to known the back story:

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Amanda Moury said...

Wow, that post was extra powerful this morning Jaimie, all I can say is you have to live your life. Living a life in fear isn't living at all, I know what you went through must have been awful and I'm deeply sorry :( It's a healing process and you have to just keep putting one foot in front of the other my love. You and Ryan will get through this, together. Let me know if there is anything I can do for you. Thinking about you! xoxo

Eschelle said...

the power you put into words is amazing.

LegosInMyPocket said...

Amanda - Thank you so much.. You have no idea how much your words made me feel not alone.. thanx :)

Eschelle - Thank you dear. :)

Gina Alfani said...

I know that shadow intimately . . . and that cold touch that hit me like waves in the ocean.

Something I say when I feel its presence . . . this too shall pass.

Hope you feel better . . . Gina

Lindsey Muth said...

Oh, Jaimie! I wish I could be there to give you a hug. My dear friend. What you are feeling is so natural and you will go through it at your own pace. Don't rush yourself and don't get down on yourself. You have every reason to be sad, confused, angry, tongue-tied, etc. You are a warm, loving person who wants to be a mom and the saddest possible thing happened to you. My heart goes out to you with all that it has! And if you are pregnant now, oh wow, well you will figure that out too. And if you ever need to talk or ANYTHING I am here. xo

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