...I never even saw it coming

I have never been so insulted. So angry. So disrespected. So hurt. So DONE.

In the wee hours of last night I was completely and unexpectedly knocked down  and spit upon mentally in a way that I thought never possible. 

On top of the fact that I never thought the person doing the knocking would ever be capable. 

At least, not to me...

This person who I love.

This person who I trust.

This person who is my heart & soul.

This person who I have stood by no matter what.

This person who I would have gone to the end of the world for...

Such simple thoughts strung into acidly stinging words that will 

forever be burned  into my memories.

Words you can never take back.

No matter what you do, or what you say,

You can never undo what you did.

Because I heard you

loud & clear.

& you protect her?

Jump up & throw yourself in the middle for her?

After everything SHE has done to YOU??

I can't do it any more.

The hurt was caused.

The pain was felt.

but there are no tears.

Not anymore.

As I sit here writing...

Writing because i have no clue anymore as to how to get my feelings into thoughts & out of my head any other way.. I write this & I feel such a strong mix of emotions towards you.  Feeling like I have wasted SO much of my time, doing everything I was able to for you.

Wave after wave of overpowering, anger, fear, sadness

...and hate...

but there are no tears.

Not for you.

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I’m not a rock

This is an old letter I wrote to my BEST friend 

(since we were 2 years old) 

a few years ago. 

Lately I feel like she needs a little reminder..

Different stipulations.. Same outcome...
It STILL applies Hunnie...

*November 10th, 2008*

I’m not a rock

I never have been.

At least not a very good one.

&& to see you there in front of me, everything aside, complete emotion, no holds to anything but the tears pouring from your heart

It leaves me speechless.

I Don't know what to do.

I want to help.

I want to fix it.. fix you.

Make everything all better.

But right now I don't feel like the friend I should be, 
because I'm sitting there staring @ you trying to find a way to change the subject because seeing you so helpless is not only complete torture to me but very, VERY frightening.

I have been so uncomfortable the last few days with my OWN shit.

but I was taken so off guard by the way seeing you helpless hit me.

I'm so so sorry.

I'm trying.

I only know how to be the bitch.

The tough one, the stubborn, bullheaded, we don't need them if we have each other one..

and this time that's the last person you need.

You need another like you.

Soft, caring, understanding...

Someone who can sit & be with you while you cry your eyes out 
& still calmly sit there and tell you it will be OK..

Not me who is so angry with the one that did this to you that I want to go hunt them down... & its taking every ounce of strength I have and every bit of respect for you not too.

I am Soooooo Way Over my head here.

But I will still stand by you.

I will still hold your hand.

I will still hug you while you cry.

I will do everything I can to be there for you as you would for me

Because this isn't ABOUT me.

 It's ALL ABOUT YOU.

Have to say this isn't what I MEANT,

But it will have do.

I Love you Breeze.

Gimme A minute, && I will do my VERY best.