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Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Listen to your gut

Need a recap of what I'm talking about? read HERE.

Listen to your gut

Feeling lost and confused I had the same reaction most women would:
I once again turned to my best friend. pouring my heart and soul to her..

"Something is different. Something is wrong"

But she assured me it was just my imagination. That I was just looking for reasons to worry. everything was just fine & if I would just act normal, he would act normal. 

"You don't understand, I KNOW him. Something is different..."

And then I said it. Out loud. 
My worst fears put to words, no longer just lingering thoughts in my head.

"I think he might be seeing someone."

I needed to know her thoughts. I needed her to look at it from both sides so she could point out something I maybe wasn't seeing..

Now I feel like I should state that Ryan & I had had an "open relationship" for the better part of our relationship before our marriage. We had never called it off after the wedding, but had more or less gave it a break of sorts. It just had never come back up again. But along with openness comes rules.. and the trust to not break those rules.

1. Be safe
2. Be honest & keep communication open
3. Don't fall in love.

I really don't care if Ryan sleeps with someone else. I really don't. 
Sex is sex. its normal, natural. Part of our animalistic DNA. 
The part that separates us from lions and bears is the ability to choose to be loyal. Loyalty to me is not the same as it might be to you.
 (my thoughts on why saved for another day) 
Loyalty is sticking to the rules. 3 easy rules.

The problem was, I was pretty certain that
 our mutually accepted rules were not being respected. 
And of that I was terrified.

Because unfortunately, loyalty & trust are not easily received from me. it took Ryan an entire year to trust him enough to say we would stay together. To say whole-heartedly that I loved him. a whole year. Even after that i was skeptical.. but Ryan stayed true..

Until now.
I was sure of it.

"Oh I don't know Jaimie. That doesn't sound like Ryan. Why would he do that. He's never even looked at another girl that way, why do you think he would do that now? I think your over reacting.."

But I knew she was wrong. I knew it in my gut.

So I began to look for proof. I would call her daily with examples to why I was right. His texts being deleted all of the sudden. His phone call history wiped as well. He was taking longer to come home. quicker to leave. What was going on?

And then I found the app "kik" on his phone.

Ryan doesn't download new apps unless they are games. Why in the world does he have a private chatting app on his phone? So I began to snoop..

I know its untrustworthy and wrong, but I was determined.

After stopping myself from making a fake profile to text him with, 
instead I called my Tori.

"What do you make of this? weird, right?"
"What's it called? kik? hmm, I've never heard if that. yea that is weird."

After talking for an hour or so with her coming up with ideas for could be scenarios, who it could be and boosting my self up, I finallywent inside to ask him about it. 
Screw it. 
I was done beating around the bush and all the sneakiness. If he was lying, I was going to confront him and give him the opportunity to explain himself..

 (To be continued..)

Don't forget to check out
my photo blog Pocket Memories


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