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Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Friends cure all

Need a recap of what I'm talking about? read HERE.

Friends cure all

With as much calmness as could be expected, I walked in to the living room with Ryan and sat down on the couch across from him.

 "Baby, We really need to talk. Something is different, off between us. I've felt it for awhile.. please be honest with me. Are you seeing someone else?"


One word. One simple syllable. Like this was a normal conversation of me asking if he wanted eggs with his pancakes.

"Okay. If you say no, then I believe you. Then we need to talk about the app I found on your phone, Kik? Why do you have that?"

"I use it to talk to a few of my friends, mostly people at work.. you know, John, Andrew, Tori, Adrian..."

This sounded reasonable enough. They had done this before, used apps to talk at work like "Voxer." So I am just over reacting..

But little alarms were going off in my brain. Telling me I wasnt paying attention, that I had missed something. Something Vital. Something he had said.

" know, John, Andrew, Tori, Adrian..."

Wait, Tori? My Tori? My bestfriend? 
Had I not just spent an over an hour talking to her about this whole situation?
I'm positive I had asked her about it, what had she said?

"What's it called? kik? hmm, I've never heard if that. yea that is weird." 
Why did everything feel so wrong.

Ryan must have noticed the change in my face, the realization that he had said something that struck a chord. He began to back peddle. We don't use it often, it was just something new, thought I would give it a try...

But I wasn't listening.

"Jaimie, why are you making that face, what did I say?"
 "You talk to Tori on Kik?"
"Why? Whats wrong with that?"

Why had she lied? Straight out lied? 
My mind was racing with possibilities to counter the deep dark feeling that was blooming deep inside my gut. No. No way. There HAS to be an explanation.

"Well I was just talking to Tori and I mentioned it to her and I could have sworn she said she had never heard of it, but maybe she heard me wrong.. or I heard her wrong."

There was a beat of awkward silence, and then a scramble..
"Wait wait, hunny. Not Tori, YOUR Tori. Tori that I work with!"

As I start to calm down I vaguely remember mention of a new girl named Tori

"Oh, okay. That makes sense, I guess. I understand why your talking to all the boys, they work with you, but isn't she a temporary machine operator? Why are you messaging with her?"

 Why do I care? It's just talking right? What is this awkward nagging at the back of my brain? It's just texting! You have scolded some of your closest friends for overreacting about a text, let it go!

And I tried. I really did. 
I even called Tori the next day to laugh about how I thought for half a second SHE was having an affair with my husband! Ridiculous. I must be losing my damn mind. 

I needed my friend. 
I had been in Spokane for a few months at that point and the only other adult I ever saw was either my father-in-law on a random occasion, or Ryan. I needed girl time.

I knew Tori had also been having a hard time with her husband, & decided to use her need for a little space to my advantage.

"Please come see me? Pleease! I am going crazy, I need some centering. I have a spare room, with a comfy bed. I have been storing toys for Linnie the whole time I've been here. Bring the babe, come enjoy some sun, we will go play up at the cabin, we will BBQ, it will be a blast. PLEASE?!"

After very little convincing, she agreed. We planned on going back to the Seattle area for a local town carnival, so we would talk about it then. While at the carnival, I was able (with help from Ryan) to convince Tori that she really did want to come to Spokane for a little bit. She finally agreed & a plan was set in motion that Ryan would drive back to Seattle at the end of the week early morning Friday, pick Tori up from work and drive her to pick up her daughter. Then They would immediately turn around and head back to Spokane so that she could spend that night, and the whole next day with me before Ryan would drive them back home that night, immediately turning around and driving home. It was a butt-load of driving for Ryan, but he seemed more than happy to do it insisting that he really enjoyed the drive & that it was worth it for me to see my friend who he knew I missed terribly. 

I was more than grateful, and having Tori there even for that short period of time was very relieving. We talked & laughed, stayed up way to late. Ate junk food, and talked about EVERYTHING that was going on between Ryan & I. All my doubts and fears. It was so nice to finally have someone to cry to face-to-face.The next day we took them out to our cabin on the lake. 

But Ryan was still off. Even more so around Tori. 
At the lake is where I really noticed it. 

"Come swim babe! Come Swim with Kai & I!" 
But all I would get is grumbles & grunts. 
"I really don't want to babe. I don't want to swim right now."

I was discouraged. Not wanting to cry in front of my friend while floating in a tube on the lake with my baby, I reluctantly waded back to shore, offering Tori to take Linnie out in the tube. After helping them get situated and sending them out, I went up to sit on the dock with Ryan. I really just wanted to relax in the sun with him & enjoy myself, but he was cold, distant. I tried to lighten the mood by teasing Linnie, to which Ryan joined in. When Linnie made a comment assuming Ryan would retaliate by jumping in to get her, I was surprised when that was exactly what he did! 
Did he not just say he did not want to swim? 
It must have been in the moment, right? 

When he stayed in the water swimming along with Tori & Linnie, laughing & joking like it was the best vacation ever I became uncomfortable. Did he really want to be away from me that badly? Was the idea of sitting with his son & wife that unwanted that he would do the very thing he didn't want to just to get away from us? What is going on? 

And the same thing happened the rest of the day. Ryan avoiding me & Kai, choosing to be closer to Linnie & Tori. I was really confused, so I just avoided the situation.. Acting like I didn't notice. After Ryan left to take them home, I put Kai to bed & cried. 

And cried.

I cried like I had never cried before. 
I was losing him.
What was I going to do?

(To be continued...)



-Mallori said...

:( I'm sorry you had to go through this. I'm hoping there's a happy ending.

Jaimie Russell said...

The end is a little of both.. :)

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