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Wednesday, July 16, 2014

In the beginning...

Need a recap of what I'm talking about? read HERE.

Pt. 1
In the Beginning

After I had Kai, I was the happiest I thought I could ever be. I had a wonderful husband, a beautiful house, friends and family all around me showing love and support. Then to top it off I had the most amazingly stunning & sweet, breathtakingly perfect little baby boy in my arms calling me mommy..

Can you believe it? Me!  

I was on top of the world.

Then, things started to get rough... I started to notice my patience levels were shorter. I was irritable and tired more and more often. I loved my little man more than life.. but I HATED my husband! I wanted nothing to do with him! He would talk to me, and I would roll my eyes. He would put his arm around me, and I would cringe. If he said "I love you" I would pretend to not hear or close my eyes when he tried to kiss me.

But Why?!

I love my husband! Up until then he's been my one and only thru 11 years of ups & downs, some of the best & worst moments of my life. He's been my companion, my rock. Why in the world would I feel such an aversion to him?

I knew exactly what it was... postpartum.

I know I'm not the only new mother to loathe that term. like it's some kind of inevitable handicap all of us are privy to. Unfortunately I was all to aware of the looming situation since my OB had been insistent on talking about it relentlessly in our meetings up to the birth of my son as he was very concerned about the possibility since I live with Bi-polar Disorder and was un-medicated because of the pregnancy. So since this had already been a forethought I knew exactly what I was dealing with, but for some still unknown reason I saw admitting to it as a defeat.

Do not ask me why, because I have no idea.
I claim temporary insanity.

Whatever the reason, I couldn't explain it to Ryan. So I did the next best thing a girl would think to do.. I mean really girls. Ask yourself right now. If you have something you NEED to talk about, but you can't talk to your significant other.. who do you call?

(For those of you in this moment that thought, mumbled, or happily said out loud "GHOSTBUSTERS"
Extra points for you, double points if you said it in the sing-songy theme song way.)

No, you call your BEST FRIEND.

I told her everything. Everyday. Tori* even came over from time to time and would give Ryan peace of mind to leave me be and go play his video games, that she would sit with me for a bit and help me with the baby.... give me a little girl time. She was a breath of fresh air. I was so grateful. Everyday I would cry and tell her I had no idea why I was acting the way that I was and that of course I loved my husband with every fiber of my being! But I couldn't help it.. it was a deep down feeling, it was chemical.


So she told me to ride the wave. She told me to show love and affection when I could bear it, for Ryan's sake, but to otherwise just grin & bear it and that it would pass soon. Since her daughter *Lindsey (I call her Linnie) was nearing 3 years old, I trusted her in the matter. Feeling she probably knew what she was talking about. Since her whole pregnancy and first years of her daughters life it had always been me she turned to for advice and answers to her new mommy questions it was nice to have the tables turned for once.

So I did what she said, doing my best to make it day to day. But I wasn't perfect. More than often I was just downright rude, & I could see that it was getting to Ryan. I cried to Tori every night. What is wrong with me? Why can't I stop treating him like this?
  But she assured me it was okay.

Then I noticed a shift in Ryan's personality. It was small, almost unnoticeable.. but I knew everything about this man. His in & outs, his ups & downs. The way he moved his mouth when trying not to giggle, he way he narrowed his eyes when I was pushing him to his edge, the way he ran his fingers through his hair & takes deep breaths to try to keep his patience with me.

I knew MY husband, and I knew something was different..

(To be continued..)


* Some names has been changed for her protection because thats what a good person would do, 
& I'll be damned if I let this change me into a bad person.

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