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Friday, August 29, 2014

And my world stopped spinning

Need a recap of what I'm talking about? read HERE.

And my world stopped spinning.

Now that I had figured it out, things started to fall into place.

The way he was dressing, the way he was talking, the way he was acting..
It all made sense.

Ryan, liked Tori.

I was no longer confused, I know my husband. 
This is what was going on.

But why would he hide that?
Something so small as a crush.. I never have cared before?

Then I began to think about it. Maybe it was because this was TORI we were talking about. My best friend. I could see how maybe he felt a bit awkward confessing that.

The next time I talked to Tori I mentioned it to her.

"What are you talking about? No, no way. We are just friends."

As I tried to convince her she gave me reason after reason why it couldn't be true.
How he loves me and no one else and hes just in a funk. 
"Just be patient, he will go back to normal soon."

But I was already convinced.

I never mentioned it to Ryan because I didn't want to embarrass him. If he wanted to talk to me he would, so I just left it alone. I started to to feel better, silly even at how worried I had been. What was I thinking? This was RYAN. He has never done anything to hurt me, in 11 years. Even after everything I have put him through, he had always been good to me. Such a worrywort I had been, when it turned out to be nothing but a simple crush.

Eventually, Tori decided to stage an "intervention" of sorts. A marriage mediation. Where Ryan & I could talk about what was going on and how we were feeling with a middle man there to help. I had done this for Tori & her husband many times before, so this wasn't weird to us, and could be really helpful. So we agreed.

After 4 hours of yelling, crying, and talking it out Ryan and I both had a list in hand of things we were going to work on, to try to make things better. To give us a fighting chance. As we were getting ready to leave Tori looked at me and said:

"See? I told you he still loves you."

"I never said I didn't think he loved me Tori, I just think he also likes you. And its ok, it's better than what I thought was happening!"

Ryan was taken aback,
"What did you think was happening, Jaimie?"

"Honestly? I thought you were having an affair with Missy from work. I mean, that's what it seemed like! But now I see, its just Tori! You have a crush on Tori, and babe it's ok! Tori is awesome, why wouldn't you? Honestly, you could be having an affair with Tori and I would never know! ahaha Though that does make a little more sense then Missy. I mean, You and Tori are so much alike, you get along great, you have the same humor.. honestly if we all wern't married I would say you would make the perfect couple! ahaha."

They both just stared at my wide eyed.

"Oh! I'm not saying that is what is happening! I'm just saying it made sense if it was." 

They both awkwardly laughed and told me that was never an option for them. We shook it all off and went home, with hopes of better days to come.

But as the days went by, nothing really changed.
 Just in my clarity I began to notice even more.

It wasn't just Ryan who was acting strange. So was Tori.
I must have thrown her off by telling her how I felt,
 but even her husband noticed and pointed it out to me one evening. 

"Somethings going on with Ryan & Tori."

When I asked him to elaborate, he began telling me that he had noticed Tori being on her phone more and more. More secretive. Whenever he would ask her about it she would only respond with "nothing." He then told me he had mentioned Ryan and Tori had become very defensive.

"I know my wife, Jaimie. Something is up."

So I explained to him how Ryan & I had been having some issues, and how Tori had been helping us out, a middle person in a way. I've known Tori's husband for a long time, and was comfortable talking to him about it. 

"I think in a way, Ryan might have developed a bit of a crush because of it." 

We both laughed at this, cause it made perfect sense. I told him how I had talked to them both about it and how that could be making things a bit odd for the moment, just to give her some space on the subject. He agreed, and things seemed okay.

Then Ryan & I went to Spokane, and on the drive there were got in an argument about the whole situation. It wasn't very good.

"I can't believe you Jaimie!"
"Well Ryan! What did you expect? 
That I would just ignore that you were acting like that?"
"Well did you have to go and make the whole situation awkward by saying something to Tori? I mean really Jaimie, now she is so uncomfortable."
"What? What about how I was feeling Ryan? Why are you so damn worried about Tori?! Are you sleeping with Tori, Ryan? Was I right?"
"No dammit! Nothing is going on with Tori or anyone else! Just stop!"
"Oh Really? Swear."
"Swear Ryan! Swear to God! Swear on Kai that nothing is going on between you two!"
"Yes! Now leave it alone!"
"Yes what?!"
"Yes Jaimie! I swear on Kai! Okay? Is that what you want?! Fuck!"

In that moment I knew something was wrong, because Ryan began to cry.

"Oh, oh. Hunny.. I'm so sorry."
"Just stop Jaimie, okay?"
"Yeah, okay. I'm really sorry baby. Really..."

I had pushed him to far.

The rest of the weekend things were actually better. We made a no phone, no tech agreement for the weekend and just enjoyed each other. Honestly it was the happiest I had been in months.. Same for Ryan. We had some much fun, and were so close. We cuddled and laughed and flirted. We played together like we were teenagers in that first month together. It was fantastic.

On the trip home we held hands, we laughed, we stopped on the side of the freeway to kiss under the stars. I was convinced we had hit our breaking point and survived.  When I knew we were close to home, I made a request:

"Please don't tell Tori about what happened on the way here. Please.. I feel horrible. I'm sure shes worried on why we didn't talk to her the whole trip, but she will understand when she sees that things are so much better. Just please don't tell her... okay?"

I could tell I had re-hit a nerve and didn't want to upset him again, so I left it at that.
He agreed, and we drove the rest of the way home in comfortable silence.  

The next few days were relatively normal. I had visited the realtor a few times and had some new prospects for moving and wanted to show them to Tori. We agreed to meet at a local park so that Linnie could play while we talked and went over the houses I had found. Kai was only 3 or 4 months old at the time, so he would sit with us.

When I got there Tori was sitting on a park bench with all her stuff ready. I was on the phone with Ryan letting him know where I was at. As I sat Tori began handing me a notebook.

"Your with Tori?"
"Yeah. We are going to go over the houses the realtor gave us"

*looking at Tori*
("What is this?")
("Just read it, outloud.")
"Oh, Okay. Well let me know how it goes."

I had read what Tori had written on the paper, and wasn't thrilled.

"Okay I will baby.. No Tori, I'm not reading that outloud."
"Nothing, Tori just has me holding this piece of 
paper that she wants me to read outloud."
"Oh? Whats it say?"
"Oh, Ugh. It says.."
("No! When your off the phone!") Tori whispered.
 I looked at her, feeling so confused, but waited to read it.
"Okay babe, nevermind. I gotta go.. Tori's acting crazy.
 I'll message you in a bit, ok? Love ya."

"Ok. I Love you Jaimie.... so much. Text me soon"

When I hung up I looked at Tori.
"What is your deal? I am not reading that outloud."
"Jaimie, Please.."
The paper she had handed me had a very short statement written.

~Do you swear on Linnie & Kai, That you have never slept with Ryan.~

"No! I know what your doing! Ryan already told me, I know. I'm acting crazy, I'm sorry.. Just let it go. okay? uugh. Lets look at these houses."

 "Jaimie. Read it. Outloud, please."

Apparently she wasn't going to let this go. I knew what was happening. She was going to make me read this out loud, word for word, so that she could say "yes, I swear." And then scold me for doubting her. It was going to be a long conversation about trust and friendship and honesty.


"Fine lets get this over with so we can look at these houses. Tori,
Do you swear on Linnie & Kai, that you have never slept with Ryan?"

I gave her the most exasperated why-are-you-making-me-do-this look that I could muster while gently bouncing Kai in my lap. 

The look she gave me stopped me cold.

"No, Jaimie. I don't."

(To be continued..)



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