Listen to your gut

Need a recap of what I'm talking about? read HERE.

Pt.3
Listen to your gut

Feeling lost and confused I had the same reaction most women would:
I once again turned to my best friend. pouring my heart and soul to her..

"Something is different. Something is wrong"

But she assured me it was just my imagination. That I was just looking for reasons to worry. everything was just fine & if I would just act normal, he would act normal. 

"You don't understand, I KNOW him. Something is different..."

And then I said it. Out loud. 
My worst fears put to words, no longer just lingering thoughts in my head.

"I think he might be seeing someone."

I needed to know her thoughts. I needed her to look at it from both sides so she could point out something I maybe wasn't seeing..

Now I feel like I should state that Ryan & I had had an "open relationship" for the better part of our relationship before our marriage. We had never called it off after the wedding, but had more or less gave it a break of sorts. It just had never come back up again. But along with openness comes rules.. and the trust to not break those rules.

1. Be safe
2. Be honest & keep communication open
3. Don't fall in love.

I really don't care if Ryan sleeps with someone else. I really don't. 
Sex is sex. its normal, natural. Part of our animalistic DNA. 
The part that separates us from lions and bears is the ability to choose to be loyal. Loyalty to me is not the same as it might be to you.
 (my thoughts on why saved for another day) 
Loyalty is sticking to the rules. 3 easy rules.

The problem was, I was pretty certain that
 our mutually accepted rules were not being respected. 
And of that I was terrified.

Because unfortunately, loyalty & trust are not easily received from me. it took Ryan an entire year to trust him enough to say we would stay together. To say whole-heartedly that I loved him. a whole year. Even after that i was skeptical.. but Ryan stayed true..

Until now.
I was sure of it.

"Oh I don't know Jaimie. That doesn't sound like Ryan. Why would he do that. He's never even looked at another girl that way, why do you think he would do that now? I think your over reacting.."

But I knew she was wrong. I knew it in my gut.

So I began to look for proof. I would call her daily with examples to why I was right. His texts being deleted all of the sudden. His phone call history wiped as well. He was taking longer to come home. quicker to leave. What was going on?

And then I found the app "kik" on his phone.

Ryan doesn't download new apps unless they are games. Why in the world does he have a private chatting app on his phone? So I began to snoop..

I know its untrustworthy and wrong, but I was determined.

After stopping myself from making a fake profile to text him with, 
instead I called my Tori.

"What do you make of this? weird, right?"
"What's it called? kik? hmm, I've never heard if that. yea that is weird."

After talking for an hour or so with her coming up with ideas for could be scenarios, who it could be and boosting my self up, I finallywent inside to ask him about it. 
Screw it. 
I was done beating around the bush and all the sneakiness. If he was lying, I was going to confront him and give him the opportunity to explain himself..

 (To be continued..)

Don't forget to check out
my photo blog Pocket Memories

Changes

Need a recap of what I'm talking about? read HERE.

Pt.2
Changes

I tried to let it go, the weird feeling pawing the back of my mind that something had changed. Chalked it up to the evil postpartum messing with my head and tried to move on, but that feeling steadily grew. I did everything in my power to start being better towards him, happier, more loving... and I was! I started feeling better, losing the feelings of angst or disgust. No longer wanting distance but beginning to relish in the love that I was sure was still there and appreciate the little family we had created. I would get up and make his lunch everyday, see him out the door with kisses, make sure the house was kept and clean when he returned. showered him with appreciation for sticking with me through such a difficult time. 

Even with all the good, I started to notice more and more not so subtle changes.. his clothes, his hair, his personal hygiene even. He would rush out the door for work without a glance back, not answer my calls if i tried. He even started regularly passing up our lunchtime call to hang out with a "buddy" of his. Now in a normal relationship that might seem common.. but in all the time Ryan & I had been together, we ALWAYS talked on lunch breaks. Since it was only once a week I tried to ignore the feeling that it was out of character & just figure that he was starting to become closer with a friend at work. I was happy for him! 

But on a few occasions when I would call with a question or text something about Kai he would ignore me.. only to call me back a few minutes later stating his "didn't hear" his phone. For anyone who MEETS my husband, he is perpetually attached to his phone. Always looking something up on the internet or searching through pictures of cars he has saved or playing some mobile game."Didn't hear" just didn't happen.

And then he began to pull away. Became distant. 

Gave halfway hugs & avoided kisses.

I began to worry. 

Again I turned to my best friend. 

"I'm not sure Jaimie, that does seem odd. 
You did do the same thing to him not long ago though... 
maybe he's just upset and being vindictive."

I guess that was possible, but not at all like him. 

Ryan was not a passive-aggressive kind of guy. 

More and more I noticed I just didn't have his attention in most things. He always seemed off in another world. When he was present, he was very grumpy, & cold. Then i noticed the secrecy. He would get up and leave the room to walk the dog, get socks, go to the bathroom..and always take his phone. weird, but not crazy. It was when I would walk into the room where he was I would notice the phone being quickly shut off and tucked away, only to be pulled back out immediately after I left. If he needed to check the phone while in the room with me where he couldn't leave, he would turn his entire body an awkward position away or hold his phone down in a weird position so that the screen wasn't visible.

Again, I understand this might seem normal to some, but with 11 years behind us. Always with open nonjudgmental lines of honesty & trust, this was incredibly odd. 

I was really starting to worry.

(to be continued..)

Pineapple Chicken Skewers

Pineapple Chicken Skewers

*As seen on Parents.com*

These Polynesian-style skewers are a great make-ahead appetizer for any occasion!

Servings: 32  
Prep Time: 15 Mins
Chill Time: 6 hours or overnights
Cook Time: 10 Mins
Broil Time: 9 Mins 
 

Ingredients:

• 1 can (14 ounces) pineapple chunks packed in juice

• 1/3 cup  ketchup

• 2 tablespoons  crystallized ginger, minced

• 2 cloves garlic, minced

• 1 jalapeno chile, seeded and minced

• 1/2 teaspoon  salt

• 3 tablespoons  white vinegar

• 1 tablespoon  light teriyaki sauce

• 4 boneless skinless chicken breast halves (about 5 ounces each)

• 4 scallions, cut in 1-inch lengths (including some of the green)

Steps:

1. Drain pineapple, reserving juice. Set chunks aside. In a small bowl, combine drained pineapple juice, ketchup, crystallized ginger, garlic, jalapeno, salt, vinegar and teriyaki sauce; stir to mix thoroughly.

2. Cut chicken into 32 equal-size pieces. Place in a plastic resealable bag; add pineapple juice mixture. Seal and shake to combine. Refrigerate at least 6 hours or overnight.

3. Use small skewers; if they are wooden, soak in a bowl of cold water for at least 30 minutes. Drain chicken, reserving marinade. Place drained marinade in a nonstick saucepan; cook over high heat until reduced to a thick glaze, about 10 minutes. Let cool.

4. Place 1 chicken piece, 2 scallion pieces and a pineapple chunk on end of each skewer. Brush with a little of the glaze; repeat, using remaining ingredients. Can be assembled several hours ahead, covered with plastic wrap and refrigerated.

5. Heat broiler. Coat broiler pan with nonstick cooking spray. Place skewers on prepared pan, brush again and broil for 4 minutes, turn, brush with remaining glaze and broil 5 more minutes or until lightly browned. Serve warm or at room temperature.

 Original post as seen HERE

 

What's on your bucket list?

In the spirit of the summertime, 
I'm going to re-visit an old challenge I did about 2 years ago, feel free to join in! :)

.....

You ever written a bucket list?

You know, the things you want to do in your life before you die?

If you haven't... ever wish ya did?

Today I'm issuing a challenge. To any and all who want to participate. 

Write out YOUR bucket list.

Doesn't matter what is on it, or how many things. Just sit back with a piece of paper & a pen, & start writing down the things you want to do, be, have, see...whatever!

All that matters is that YOUR happy with it.

& It's doesn't have to be finished right away... You can keep adding & subtracting and adjusting for as long as you want! That's what makes this challenge so easy.

I started mine a few years ago, & I've been slowly ticking things off here & there... But I noticed when I looked at it the other day, that it really needs an update.

 Some of my wants have changed... & that's okay, cause it's MY bucket list!

 For those brave enough, I extend my challenge:

Share YOUR bucket list here, with all of us!

Just write about it on your blog, and link it back here. It could be one thing... or many!

You never know, you might read someone else's & think... 

"Dang! I wanna do that!!"

....I will be posting my list in pieces over the next few weeks, 
along with pointers, tips, & tricks on how to create your perfect list...

So, What do you think?

  Wanna do the Bucket List Challenge with me??

<a href="http://legosinmypocket.blogspot.com/2012/02/bucket-list-challenge.html" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1086.photobucket.com/albums/j452/Legosinmypocket2/BucketListChallenge.jpg" border="0" alt="Legos In My Pocket" />

*Anything crossed off, if possible will be made 
into a link that will take you to "proof" :)

1. Be in 2 places at once.
2. Get a tattoo.
3. Pierce my tongue.
4. Own a house
5. Own a car.
6. Travel to all 50 states.
7. Have a child.
8. Dye my hair blonde.
9. Go to back to school.
10. Get married.


Alright! As promised, 
here are the first 10 from my bucket list

... More later!

Trying to start your bucket list?  

Here are some tips to help get you started!

• Write everything down that comes to your mind without worrying how you’ll accomplish it

• Don't worry about things that “might” keep you from doing the things on your list ...like money, and the time to do them. This is not the priority.

•  We all have bad habits and behaviors. So set yourself up for success. Try to think of areas of your life that you feel need improvement.

• Be willing to step out of your comfort zone. Staying in your comfort zone will never help you in pushing yourself to achieve those big life goals.
  

Good luck! More tips, trick & ideas to come... 
Make sure you spread the word about 



Challenge your friends, challenge your family, 
Challenge YOURSELF.

& last but not least...

Enjoy!

Whats on YOUR Bucket list??

In the beginning...

Need a recap of what I'm talking about? read HERE.

 

Pt. 1
In the Beginning

After I had Kai, I was the happiest I thought I could ever be. I had a wonderful husband, a beautiful house, friends and family all around me showing love and support. Then to top it off I had the most amazingly stunning & sweet, breathtakingly perfect little baby boy in my arms calling me mommy..

Can you believe it? Me!  
Mommy!!

I was on top of the world.

Then, things started to get rough... I started to notice my patience levels were shorter. I was irritable and tired more and more often. I loved my little man more than life.. but I HATED my husband! I wanted nothing to do with him! He would talk to me, and I would roll my eyes. He would put his arm around me, and I would cringe. If he said "I love you" I would pretend to not hear or close my eyes when he tried to kiss me.

But Why?!

I love my husband! Up until then he's been my one and only thru 11 years of ups & downs, some of the best & worst moments of my life. He's been my companion, my rock. Why in the world would I feel such an aversion to him?

I knew exactly what it was... postpartum.

I know I'm not the only new mother to loathe that term. like it's some kind of inevitable handicap all of us are privy to. Unfortunately I was all to aware of the looming situation since my OB had been insistent on talking about it relentlessly in our meetings up to the birth of my son as he was very concerned about the possibility since I live with Bi-polar Disorder and was un-medicated because of the pregnancy. So since this had already been a forethought I knew exactly what I was dealing with, but for some still unknown reason I saw admitting to it as a defeat.

Do not ask me why, because I have no idea.
I claim temporary insanity.

Whatever the reason, I couldn't explain it to Ryan. So I did the next best thing a girl would think to do.. I mean really girls. Ask yourself right now. If you have something you NEED to talk about, but you can't talk to your significant other.. who do you call?

(For those of you in this moment that thought, mumbled, or happily said out loud "GHOSTBUSTERS"
Extra points for you, double points if you said it in the sing-songy theme song way.)

No, you call your BEST FRIEND.

I told her everything. Everyday. Tori* even came over from time to time and would give Ryan peace of mind to leave me be and go play his video games, that she would sit with me for a bit and help me with the baby.... give me a little girl time. She was a breath of fresh air. I was so grateful. Everyday I would cry and tell her I had no idea why I was acting the way that I was and that of course I loved my husband with every fiber of my being! But I couldn't help it.. it was a deep down feeling, it was chemical.

Uncontrollable.

So she told me to ride the wave. She told me to show love and affection when I could bear it, for Ryan's sake, but to otherwise just grin & bear it and that it would pass soon. Since her daughter *Lindsey (I call her Linnie) was nearing 3 years old, I trusted her in the matter. Feeling she probably knew what she was talking about. Since her whole pregnancy and first years of her daughters life it had always been me she turned to for advice and answers to her new mommy questions it was nice to have the tables turned for once.

So I did what she said, doing my best to make it day to day. But I wasn't perfect. More than often I was just downright rude, & I could see that it was getting to Ryan. I cried to Tori every night. What is wrong with me? Why can't I stop treating him like this?
  But she assured me it was okay.

Then I noticed a shift in Ryan's personality. It was small, almost unnoticeable.. but I knew everything about this man. His in & outs, his ups & downs. The way he moved his mouth when trying not to giggle, he way he narrowed his eyes when I was pushing him to his edge, the way he ran his fingers through his hair & takes deep breaths to try to keep his patience with me.

I knew MY husband, and I knew something was different..

(To be continued..)

* Some names has been changed for her protection because thats what a good person would do, 

& I'll be damned if I let this change me into a bad person.

Thankful Thursday

Jaimie

1. Our new apartment  - it may be small, 
but its so absolutely perfect!

2. Late night hot Chai Tea  
 - the perfect way to end my night.

3. Birchbox & Ipsy subscriptions  
-A monthly little surprise in my mailbox!

4. My little Kai Nicolas  - the best little hide & seek, Spaghetti-O's mess, puppy chasing, bubble blowing, monster growling, tickle giggling love of my life!

Ryan

1. Job -pays great for easy work

2. New apartment -
Already so comfortable for being so new

3. Vacations  -relaxing is way over due.

4. Tillamook Chocolate peanutbutter Ice Cream 
 - with a Hersheys Chocolate drizzle...HEAVEN.

Kai
(From the eyes of Mommy & Daddy)

1. Heffalump 
 - the best little pink elephant best friend ever!

2. Hide & Chase with Mommy  
- She tickles & kisses me when she catches me!

3. Morning walks with Daddy  
-taking the puppy out, finding rocks & crunching leaves :)

4. Swimming!!
 -Its like a awesome giant bathtub!

What Are YOU thankful for??

I want to tell my story..

Alot has happened in the last year. 
Alot, that has changed me.

For better or worse is yet to be known... but changed is for sure. 

One thing I know is that I want to tell my story.

MY story.

Uninterrupted. Not pressured. Unscrutinized. 
With no one else giving their own opinion or recount.
Just my story.

The problem with doing that, is like most stories I am not a sole character. There alot of others that play parts in my story. Big parts, little parts. Some would even recount the story in another way when looked at from their point of view...

But this is not their story.
It's mine.

Not everyone will like that I tell my story, or appreciate its rash honesty. I know there will for sure be a few who will be angry, irate even. Who won't understand, or approve. Those few can turn off their computer, get off the browser on their phone, activate the right to push that wondrous little red "X" in the top right-hand corner of the screen. No one will stop you. No one will judge you. Go ahead, it's okay.

There will be a few out there who will enjoy my story, feel enlightened with my personal push past self depreciation and self doubt to understand and enjoy the realistic view that I will present. Some will feel my pain, and relish in the fact that they are not the only one to have ever walked this fine line between real life and the soap opera your grandma watches.

Whatever the outcome, I am going to tell my story.

For me.
Cause right now, that's who I have to think about. It's my heart that needs to mend, and this is how I'm going to do it. Writing has always been the best medicine for me.

So bare with me (or not) over the next few weeks while I recount the major pieces to my puzzle. It will all fit together in the end.

But for those of you who stay? Those of you who hear me through to the end? Know now, I appreciate YOU more than you know. You listen, you love, YOU are my saving grace from this insanity I call life..

Cause with my story, I've always said I could meet Ellen. ;)

(To be continued..)  

Pt. 1

Pt. 2
Pt. 3
Pt. 4

Pt. 5
Pt. 6
Pt. 7
Pt. 8
Pt. 9
Pt. 10 

Slow Cooker Fiesta Chicken

This is honestly my new go-to easy dinner favorite!!
I do things a tiny bit different than the package calls for...

Original post as seen HERE

Prep Time: 10 Mins

Cook Time: 8 hours on low (4hrs on high)

Servings: 8

Ingredients:
* 2 lbs boneless skinless chicken breast
* 1 Pkg McCormick Slow Cookers Fiesta Seasoning Mix
* 3 cans (10 ounces each) Rotel diced tomatoes w/ chilies (Mild), drained
* 1 can (15 3/4 ounces) whole kernal corn, undrained
* 1 can (15 ounces) black beans, drained & rinsed

Steps:

1. Clean & prepare chicken after removing from package.
2. Place chicken in slow cooker.
3. Combine seasoning Mix, tomatoes, corn and beans in separate bowl until blended. (Be prepared with a larger bowl, the volume is alot more than it would seem.)
4.  Pour over chicken. Cover.
5. Cook 8 hours on LOW or 4 hours on HIGH. Remove chicken from slow cooker.
6. Shred chicken, using 2 forks. Return chicken to slow cooker; mix well. Serve over cooked rice with assorted toppings, if desired.

Now if you have a larger crock pot, you can shred the chicken in the pot. when shredding, don't worry if the pieces are still clumped together. when you stir the chicken into the mix again, it will all separate out.

My Family & I prefer this over rice, but it is also really goof in a flour tortilla like a fajita! Try topping it with sour cream & shredded cheese. Makes GREAT leftovers for the next few days as well!

Let me know if you try this one out for yourself, what you think, & any variations you come up with so I can try them too!!

 

Seattle Sun

We took Kai on a sunny day trip to Seattle the other day.

While there I wanted to take some pictures for my friend Art from over in Moscow and I thought I would share them with all of you as well.

Kai loved the marketplace... that's my favorite part too!

We bought him a strawberry coconut fruit roll.. you can't tell, but he really loved it!

I've always loved these little lanern people everywhere.

Kai wasn't to sure about the pig.

He kept trying to sniff & touch the Gum Wall... I think it was a bit confusing.

He thought this little skull baby was hilarious.

Yum! Coffee beans!!

The views around here are spectactular!

Have a Great day!

Don't forget to check out
my photo blog Pocket Memories