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Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Going down in Flames

After re-living the last part to this story I had to step away for a bit. It affected me a lot more than I had expected, and when I had sat down to start part 9 I found a mental roadblock. It took a subtle yet well needed scolding from my good friend Mallori to realize I need to get my butt in gear and get this series done. Time to move on with my life. Thanks girlie..

Need a recap of what I'm talking about? read HERE.

Going down in Flames 

I honestly don't remember a lot of details after that moment.

All I remember is hearing a memory of my little sister Danielle's 
voice from when I was in labor with Kai reminding me to breathe...

...Breathe Jaimie...

 What is happening?

Why are my ears ringing?


I feel dizzy.

Maybe I should sit down.


"What are you saying Ryan? Do you want a divorce?"

I looked up at him in disbelief of the question I was having to ask.

"Yes? No.. Shit.. No! I don't know! It's just, I'm just... I'm not happy Jaimie!"

As I watched this man, who had promised to love and care for me for the rest of our lives, to have and to hold through better or worse till death do us part, struggle with the confusion of emotions he was experiencing all I felt was a wave of hurt. 

But not just for myself, for Ryan as well. I could see he was lost. 

I love this man, with every fiber of my being. He had been my better half for over a decade. So though it may be hard for many others to understand, in that moment I felt compassion. I felt understanding. I felt LOVE.

MY love.

In that moment, when Ryan sank to his knees in front of me placing his head on my lap I could feel his pain as he began to cry. 

"I don't know... Jaimie. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have told you like that. I don't want to lose you baby, ofcourse not. I'm so sorry, I was just mad. But I AM unhappy Jaimie. I don't know why, but I am. I have been for awhile now, I just didn't know how to tell you... Please forgive me baby, please... I'm so sorry. I don't want to hurt you."

He still loved me. 

I knew it right then. In 11 years Ryan had never had anything anywhere close to a moment of weakness like this. 11 years Ryan had never slipped up in this way. 11 years...

My decision was made.

I was not going to let whatever this was take away the last decade of happiness. I was not going to let a moment of weakness destroy the life we had built together. 

I was going to fight.

& I was going to save us.

Or at least go down in flames trying.


The next few days were shaky, and awkward.

Ryan & I were so cautious around each other it was almost painful. What made it worse was the fact that we were still living with Tori & her husband. We had to sit by quietly watching Tori go on in her relationship unscathed. Meanwhile Ryan & I are fighting for our lives to keep our marriage hanging on by the few threads it had left. We had good days, and we had bad. But the bad often would lean more toward horrible, & being that Tori's husband was a long time friend of mine he would notice the ongoing, knew something big had happened, and was concerned. But for the first time in 16 years, I wouldn't talk to him. I couldn't confide in him, and that set him on unease. So he would ask Tori, trying to get some answers from her. Not knowing quite what to do she began to tell him half-truths. Painting Ryan as this horrid guy, and pushing her husband to believe that maybe I need to move on with my life.

Because if he was focusing on how horrible my marriage was,
 he would never think twice about his own.

Then Ryan tried leaving, twice. As in packing an overnight, kissing Kai goodbye. The first time I was able to calm him down and see reason. To talk to me instead of yelling. The second time wasn't so simple. The second time he actually made it out the door, while I'm crying on our bedroom floor feeling that this might actually be it. 

What stopped him?

Was it my tears heard through our window? Was it the thought of his baby boy waking up and not having his daddy to cuddle? No. I will give you one guess.

Running out the door and begging him to talk to her, Tori was the only thing that calmed him. The only thing that brought him back inside. And with a kiss and a plea to 
stay for her is the only reason my husband slept in our bed that night.

I love and hate her for that moment.

On one of our better moments I noticed Tori & Ryan really not getting along again. Wondering if I did something to provoke the mood swing I asked Tori what was wrong. Her answer could not have shocked me more...

"I'm kinda over it Jaimie. Seriously. When we started this it was an escape, a release. Something forbidden, exciting, & fun. But since you found out it has been nothing but turmoil and strife and I just don't need that in my life!"


"Well I'm so sorry that telling me the truth has caused you so much stress Tori."

"Don't even be like that Jaimie. Besides, I was attracted to Ryan because of how he has always treated you. Watching how he has been the past few weeks towards you is kind of a turn off, to be honest."

This was the point where I was mentally struggling with the urge to laugh out loud at her absolute lack of tact, and the need to scratch out her eyeballs for thinking I give a damn that she is stressed out by this. 

But it was in that moment that I saw my solution.

Over the next few days I made a request of both Tori & Ryan.

It was the start of December, my favorite time of the year. This is the time when I'm constantly cooking & baking & party planning. I wanted nothing more than to have a stress free holiday. So I asked that they take a complete break from each other for the month. Ending after my birthday on the 1st of January. 
All I wanted for Christmas & my birthday was my normal life.
 That was it.

 They both understood and things were peaceful for two whole weeks. Ryan & I even seemed happier, better. We took a trip to Spokane for 4 days and had a blast, 
laughing and loving like we hadn't in months.

When we got back home I told Ryan I felt great, and felt like we were doing so much better. I understood it was the holidays and that Tori was, first and foremost his friend as well. So I was okay with them at least being able to talk to each other. This made Ryan so happy, and made him even better and more open towards me. But Tori could feel the difference in us. I'm not sure she liked it, but I'm not sure she didn't either. I could tell she wasn't entirely comfortable with how comfortable we were with each other. 

You see, Ryan & I, we are a weird set of human beings. We don't function the way normal people do under society rules. We understand mistakes are mistakes, and as human beings we are bound to make them. We also understand that in each other we find the solace and respect of not only a lover, but a best friend. Because of that we have realized over the years that if we can get to a point where we can joke about a situation that has previously brought us down we can control it more. If we can laugh and poke fun at it then it no longer holds power over us. 

Not everybody likes this about us.
(oh well.)

One particular example is while we were decorating the tree, I made an off-hand comment to Ryan that we should look into a couples swinger cruises. Why not? 
Meet some new people, have some fun, let our freak flag fly! 

Now not that I'm completely against this idea since, as I have said before it was never the sex that upset me, but the disloyalty.. but in that moment I was joking, and it was VERY obvious. Ryan & I were laughing at the notion when I noticed Tori become standoffish. Very shortly afterward she locked herself in her room in a hissyfit of frustration. 

Ryan later got her to fess up that she was mad that he was talking about going on a cruise with me. Meeting other people with me. Possibly sleeping with someone other than her.


But I left it alone. I didn't get mad. I didn't even mention it. 

And then my Christmas party happened.

Every year I throw a Christmas party for all of our close friends. I make a full dinner, with ham, stuffing, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce and a few sides and everyone brings a side or dessert to share. We drink wine, play games, exchange white elephant gifts, generally just enjoy each others company.

But this time was different.

There was a tension in the air that EVERYONE could feel. And as much as I was trying to busy myself in the kitchen and focus on my guests, I couldn't help but notice the frustration radiating off Ryan. The upset look Tori had glued to her face. The fact that a few different times they would disappear into our room only to emerge even more irritated. 

I was pretty sure I knew what was happening. A few days before I had noticed a post from Tori on her Tumblr that had caught my attention. 

(Trust me, I'm aware of the immature nature of that situation, just roll with it.)

She had posted a picture that she had obviously made that rang a little to slap-in-the-face. Just words on a background, but enough to leave a mark.

To the guy who said 
"I don't sleep around. 
I don't have sex with just anyone." 

Yeah your full of shit.

That might not be exact (It was almost a year ago) but it's the same idea.

I had pointed this out to Ryan as I was pretty sure he had told me he had said those exact words to Tori during one of there many times together. This was obviously directed at him because of the "swingers cruise" ordeal. I understood when this upset him, but I asked him to wait till after the party to talk to her about it... 
Something told me he hadn't waited.

When it got to the point where some of my closest girlfriends where noticing as well, I slapped on a smile & silently excused myself to the room where they where shouting at each other. 

"What. In the world. Are you two THINKING?!"

The both looked at me like I was insane.

"I had to talk to her about the picture Jaimie, I had to."

"We have GUESTS. Close friends who are NOT oblivious to your two's ridiculous displays of frustration towards each other and false sense of assumption that nooooo one is noticing you slinking off to our room and yelling so loud we can all hear you through the walls! I don't give a shit WHAT your doing just KNOCK. IT. OFF. One day. I asked for ONE DAY. 
You two can be so utterly selfish I SWEAR to GOD."

And with that I turned and walked back out the door without another glance at their stunned faces. Of course I noticed the sudden flurry of conversation our friends started the second I was back in the living area, but I was to upset to care. And embarrassed beyond belief. And sad... very sad.

So I shut off. My smile became that of a Stepford wife. I rolled on with the rest of the night and the next few weeks to come like nothing in the world could dent my day.

I had to. Because I knew what was coming. I knew I was on the verge of a breakdown. 
I knew I was reaching the end of my patience. And with the end of my patience, would come the end to this hell on earth I was living. 

I was done. Done being sad. Done walking on eggshells. Done feeling like I WAS THE ONE who had done something wrong. Done watching my life catch fire every few days while hers was still calm and content. Done with having to lie everyday about what was going on in my life.

I. Was. DONE.

When everything finally came to fruition, everyone would know the truth.
One way or another, I would be done with this situation. 

(To be continued...)


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