Sunny days.. Chasing my clouds away...

This is what I woke up to this morning:

Isn't that beautiful?

it made me feel so great. the sun, the cool breeze, my little duckies saying good morning.

I've missed this feeling.

I hadn't been doing so great lately. 

The last week or so has definitely 

been one of the harder ones. 

Its weird..i never know when its going to happen. 

The clenched stomach...the achy heart...the emptiness..

the emotional roller coaster of sadness and depression. 

I think I'm getting better... I feel like things might be ok... 

And then BAM! 

It hits me. 

I see the few baby things I have tucked away... 

I hear a song...

even every now and again when I'm holding Annaise... 

 It will start up. 

The pain.

Deep down, in the very basement of my soul... But its there. 

I can't help it.

Its so often it has me looking

...reaching... longing ...yearning... 

for something... anything 

to allow me just 5 minutes away from the constant beatings these thoughts make inside my head. 

I keep going. I keep trying to enjoy my day. 

I WILL get better. 

I WILL win this fight. 

& even thought I know my words & thoughts 

have been a little dark lately

...bear with me... 

Its amazing how a little sun can go along way...

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Christmas Thanks

Tis the season to be thankful...

Family, Friends, happy life, good health, good home...
makes you feel all content & complete... right??

Like a nice, big, full, over-decorated Christmas tree??

...Then why...

...No matter what I do...

...No matter how hard I try...

...Do I feel like this instead??

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Tis the season (WW)

Sometimes, this is EXACTLY how I feel:

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We are still here!

We have no internet... At all! Xmas made us broke! But we will be back soon.

...Hopefully REALLY soon...

Cause I'm losing my MIND! :/

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What is going on with me??

I pull up the blog.

I get comfy.

Ready to do what has made me happy everyday lately.

Ready to write.

 

But instead, I just stare at the screen.

Nothing is there. 

A blank space where normally all of my thoughts weave themselves into beautiful words and pictures recalling an old memory not forgotten or spinning a new story for eager ears.

But instead, I have nothing.

 Instead I am plauged with thoughts of fear, & doubt. Things I try my best not to include here. This is supposed to be my happy place... a place to get away. A place where none of my inner turmoils have any hold over me. I can say what I think & feel what I want...

But this time, I can't hide. 

This time, I can't pretend. 

In October, I experienced the worst pain I have ever known. 

Physically and emotionally I am drained from this. 

I have yet to allow myself to succumb to the feelings of this unfortunate incident that my life has given me to indure. I have yet to give in to the moment of weakness that awaits me.

 

I have tested that shadow.. allowed it to tickle my cheek..

but I don't like its cold touch on my skin.

Even though that moment lingers on the sidelines of my sanity awaiting for its turn to surrond my soul and force me to collapse under its wrath... I do my best to ignore its rants & catcalls. I turn my shoulder and pray that eventually it will find a new person to torture with it's clever brand of adult-style bullying & leave me be. 

But I don't think that going to happen.. not any time soon atleast. 

And now... a new fear is looming on the edges... preparing to jump on the doggy pile and hope to break what little pride I have left. It's probably my anxiety stricken brain, seeing and feeling exactly what I hope is wrong... but the symptoms of another pregnancy are all there. Even though October is un-likely to repeat itself.. the thought of the possibility is unbearable.

And what if I am?

good or not, its way too soon. 

IM NOT READY.

So here I sit.. staring at the blank page.. begging & pleading my brain to give me something...ANYTHING to keep my thoughts off what i suspect my be the unraveling of  my very being...

and wonder...

what is next?

** If you are AT ALL confused**

read these older posts to known the back story:

 

QUICK Overview 

I'm what?! Can I get that in writing please?! 

Is the Baby Okay?? 

God? Are you there?? 

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Annaise's Newborn Photo Shoot

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