I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. Everything seemed to disappear.
Including the ground beneath my feet.
There was no way I heard her correct.
There was no way Tori would have done that,
There's no way Ryan would have lied.
You must have missed something. There has got to be a reason or something that will make this all make sense. There is no way that this is as bad as it sounds. I mean its just sex, right? Yeah. It's no big deal. Breathe.
"Okay...Okay. Sure.. So that happened. No big deal. Sex is sex,right? When did it happen?"
...silence.
When I looked at Tori her face was pained.
"Which time?"
Oh, ouch.
Okay.
There's still gotta be something here that I haven't caught.
Some good reason why they never told me... why they lied...
"How many times were there, Tori?"
I saw her wince with the small amount of acid I was
unable to keep from my voice when saying her name.
"Jaimie.."
"How many times Tori?"
"Just slow down."
"Tori. How many? Twice? Three times?"
She gazed down at her feet unable to meet my stare.
"Every Saturday for the last 2 months."
There it was. The final punch to the gut.
I couldn't believe it.
Two months.
Two months?!
The math calculated quickly in my head.
All the pieces falling together in an instantaneous light-bulb of clarity.
The last two months.
That means Kai was only about a month old when the first time happened.
My grip on Kai slackened.
"You need to take Kai."
"What?"
"Tori."
"Jaimie, are you sure?"
"Tori, take Kai right now. NOW."
As she reached over cautiously I released Kai to her.
"After what I just told you, are you sure you want me to hold your son?'
My brain was clear. There was no confusion.
After everything I had done for her. Every moment I had spent. Doctors appointments. Birthing classes. Emergency rooms. Acupuncturists. Baby Showers.. Making sure I was there for her, supporting her in every way I could before AND After her daughters birth...
And THIS was the way she felt like returning the favor?!
"Oh Yeah, Tori. I do. Because right now I want to kill you. Right now I want to scratch out your eyes and rip out all your hair. Right now, I cannot trust myself to not make a choice I will regret later. Right now, My son is the ONLY thing keeping me from hurting you."
At this point I stood and walked away from her, calling Ryan.
"Hello?"
"You have about 2 seconds to get in your car and get your ass here before I murder her. Do you understand me?"
"Yeah."
"Good"
*Click*
I needed to walk. I needed to calm down. I really needed to breathe.
Suddenly I was taken off guard by a small tap on my knee
"NiNi?"
It was Linnie. She was looking up at me with a very worried look.
"NiNi? Whats wrong? Are you okay?
Are you mad at mommy? Mommy what did you do? Mommy says sorry to NiNi!!"
I couldn't help but smile, this little girl was so precious.
"NiNi come swing with me, it will make you happy."
So I did. Without another word I left Kai with Tori and allowed Linnie to lead me by the hand towards the swings were we played for about 10 minutes before I was calm enough to head back near Tori.
"Thank you pumpkin."
"Your welcome NiNi."
As I walked away feel my heart swell for this little girl. How much this simple act of selfishness could rip her world in two. My heart breaks even more.
Looking up in Tori's direction I noticed Ryan's car pull up. I met him next to his car.
"Are you kidding me?"
"Jaimie, I'm so sorry.."
"Are you FUCKING kidding ME?!"
"I Know, I Know.."
"I can't fucking BELIEVE you Ryan! You had me thinking I was CRAZY! You had me thinking that it was all me! That I was seeing things where I shouldn't and was so wrong to not believe you! AND THEN you SWORE on Kai! On our SON!!"
"I know.. I have no idea what I was thinking.."
"You weren't thinking."
"I know, Baby.. I'm so sorry.."
"Don't. Don't 'baby' me right now, okay? I am SO not okay with you right now."
"I know.. All I can say is I'm so sorry.."
"Then just stop talking. Seriously. I just can't take it... Seriously, TORI?!"
At that moment I walked back toward Tori with Ryan following behind.
"I want to know everything."
"What?!"
"Everything, Tori."
"Jaimie, I don't.."
"EVERYTHING god dammit!"
And then I sat, and listened. While a chronological detailed play-by-play was weaved by the two most important people in my life about the biggest betrayal I had ever experienced. I never said a word. I didn't cry. I just listened.
"The thing is I never stopped loving you Jaimie, I swear. I still love you, absolutely from the bottom of my heart. I just also love her too."
I watched Tori's face register complete shock
while that last statement knocked me off guard.
"Excuse me? You what? You LOVE her?"
"Yes. Absolutely."
THAT was my undoing.
"Oh, my god. Oh my god! Seriously? So you love her! Oh, That makes it all make sense! Cause that thing that we took the last 11 years building and making into a feeling that was undeniable, so unbreakable, so un-imitated.. you guys guys have that already! After such a short time too! Wow.. it must be meant to be.."
"Jaimie, don't be like that."
"No! Really Ryan! I mean, seriously it MUST be! Because why else on EARTH would you throw away every bit of honesty and TRUST that we had in our ELEVEN YEARS together, huh?! It would HAVE to be for fate! Right?!
Because you two LOVE each other! That has to be it! Because otherwise I might just lose my damn MIND if its just because you wanted to try something new!"
But as I said this I look in Tori's direction and register the shock on her face.
"What Tori? What?! You didn't want him to tell me?
Didn't want him to break the news that your in love?"
"I...uhm..I'm..not.."
Then I realize. It's not shock of Ryan telling me his feelings.. it's from hearing them herself. I know Tori, and she was not aware of the depth of Ryan's feelings.. and something was telling me she wasn't quite on the same wavelength.
"Tori?"
"It's just... no! I do care for you Ryan!"
"But..."
"But.. I've told you. I still love my husband.."
"I know, & I still love Jaimie. But.."
"Buuuut... I don't know Ryan! Love? This was just supposed to be fun! A getaway... Love?"
"But Tori!"
And in that moment, I broke. My brain lost it's ability to function properly. In that moment watching my husband, the love of MY life try to iron out the relationship status he has with his mistress who happens to be my best FRIEND..I lost it.
And I began to laugh.
Not just giggle.. not a polite I-can-hide-it kind of laugh.
I was LAUGHING. Full on grabbing my sides, tears in my eyes laughing.
"I'm sorry, I don't mean to laugh.. but seriously. This is to much!"
Ryan and Tori just watched while I got myself somewhat under control.
But my laughing had caught Linnie's attention and she came running over.
"Aunt Nini, whats so funny? Oh! Uncle RyRy! Hi! Have you come to play?"
"Oh, No baby girl. Not today."
"Oh, have you come to talk to mommy?
"Yeah, I'm sorry baby."
"We are going to get going soon, okay Linnie? So get all your swinging and sliding done now before we have to go."
"Okay NiNi!"
As I watched her run off a thought occurred to me.
"Where was Linnie."
"What do you mean?"
"Where was Linnie when all this was happening?
I know you didn't leave her home, I never babysat."
"No... She was with us."
"With you?!"
"Well, she would stay in my car.."
"..And we would go into mine."
I was appalled.
"So you would just leave Linnie, in the car by herself.. So you two could go mess around?"
"Well, yeah.. But she would have a movie or my phone for games. Most of the time she would be asleep since it was so late."
"And we would leave the window down so we could hear her."
They said this like it made it better.
"So more than likely, since you could hear her..
it could be assumed that if she was awake she could hear you."
Neither of them had an answer.
I looked directly at Tori. I no longer cared if what I was about to say was going to piss her off. I had heard enough.
"Bad mommy. Bad friend, Bad mommy. And YOU.."
as I turned to Ryan.
"Bad uncle for not thinking about anyone else but yourselves."
I couldn't handle anymore.
We might have talked a little more but I don't remember any of it. I remember being asked what I wanted to do next. Tori was fully prepared for me to tell her husband, who she was sure would promptly leave her.
"No, Tori. that's the thing. I do try my best to think about how my actions will hurt others. Sometimes I don't, but most of the time I make it a priority. In this case, all I can think about is your beautiful daughter, and how this horrible decision on your part could ruin her entire life. No, I refuse to be the one that drops that bombshell on her life. YOU will be the one to tell your husband and break his heart. YOU will be the one who has to look into his eyes and tell him that he was wrong to put all his trust into you. YOU, not me. I will not tell him. But you will. And you better not let this go on and on. If a year from now I'm still sitting with the elephant in the room because you can't man up yourself I WILL press the issue. I WILL put you in a situation where you have no choice but to tell him. Do you understand me?"
All I got was a head nod.
We agreed that I needed time to myself and that Ryan would take Kai. We agreed that we would go about things as planned before for the time being while Tori built up the courage to tell her husband. Why I agreed to that I will never know. I think at that point I was needing some control, and the "keep your enemies closer" mantra was on a replay loop in my brain.
When we all packed up and got into our cars to leave my brain went foggy. I almost couldn't remember how to start my car. I honestly shouldn't have been driving but I needed to get as far away from that place as possible.
As I drove I knew I needed to clear my head. I needed to process everything that just happened so that I could think straight. Normally I would call Tori and think out loud with her input to help the process, but that was obviously out of the question.
I had no idea what to do.
I honestly don't even remember dialing the phone,
but the next thing I know Summer is on my speaker phone.
(*For those of you who don't know, Summer is not another "best friend." I don't ever call her that, because she is so much more. We have known each other since we were around two years old and she may not always be my favorite person in the whole world, but we would go to the end of the earth and more for one another. She's not another best friend, She is my sister.*)
"Ryan has been having an affair for the last 2 and a half months with Tori."
...There was a brief pause...
"Excuuuse me?"
And then I began to cry.
"Tell me your talking about the Tori from his work..."
"You have no idea how much I wish I was."
Through sobs as I clumsily drove home I began to relive that last 2 hours to her in the quickest form I could. By the end I was so overcome with the emotions I had held in I was barely able to breathe through my tears.
"Oh my gawd."
My thoughts exactly.
(To be continued...)
No comments:
Post a Comment
Leave love, leave hate, leave WHATEVER you feel... as long as what is left is HONEST & REAL!