From that point on a lot happened. Most of which I can honestly say I don't remember. Not just that day but in the weeks that followed. Moments stand out furiously in my memory, when things when get extreme in one way or another.. But I couldn't put it into a timeline if I wanted to. It's all way to choppy.
I do remember telling Tori and Ryan that I wanted 1 day. 1 more day of normal before my life went to shit. So That Sunday we got a babysitter, and the three of us played boardgames and got drunk in my dad's RV where we were staying.
Did I really need that? Yes. 100%
Was it a smart idea? Absolutely not.
Did I have fun? Most of the night..
At one point after many many shots, I came to the conclusion that this had obviously gone on for this long without my knowledge, So who was to say it wouldn't continue? I decided then to adopt the "Keep your friends close & your enemies closer" mantra. Maybe if I seemed more open to accept what they had done then i could become more in control of the situation. If they felt I wouldn't react negatively then they might be less likely to hide things from me.
So I began to have them kiss here and there. On like a spin-the-bottle / take a shot-give a kiss kind of way. Like a drinking game. I can only assume my train of thought was to see how much I could handle. How I would feel about seeing them together, and possibly desensitize myself.
Trust me, I'm aware how ridiculous that sounds.
I plead insanity.
But as the night progressed so did the game, and the actions it entailed. The next morning along with a nasty hang over come the feeling of confusion and disgust at the things I had been a part of. What had I done? Lets just say in that moment I was no longer just a victim to the crimes, I was an accomplice.
Tori & Ryan were completely ecstatic. To them I had joined the team. I was a part of their little world. A polyamourous third in their new adventures. They spent the next 2 weeks setting up secret meetings for the three of us at restaurants and parks so Tori's husband wouldn't know. Doing everything they could to convince me that this was meant to be. That Tori & I had always been so close we called each other "Wifey" so why not make it real? It wasn't completely unheard of, and it just felt right!
But it didn't.
Where they were so happy I was so lost.
And scared.
I genuinely thought that if I was to be honest about how I felt I would lose one or both of them. If I was to say just how wrong I thought this was, how disgusted I was at being part of the betrayal of Tori's husband, how much it hurt to watch Ryan put his arm around her..
I felt I had no one to turn to for guidance.
Again I called Summer.
She was the only person I could think of that would be non-judgemental. The only one that Knew I could cry to uncontrollably and not be laughed at when my decision was not to leave the situation. And thank god I did, she was my savior. Her gentle words of understanding and compassion were a god send during the time that followed.
Pretty quickly I was able to let Tori & Ryan know I was uncomfortable with "3-is-a-couple" thing when Tori asked me if I would officially be her girlfriend. That was my final straw. I took a step back from everything telling them that it was all to much and that I couldn't stop them from what they were doing, but I wasn't a part of it anymore.
However, I did mention that should things continue between the two of them, I was to know. Tori choosing to lie to her husband was on her, but i was giving Ryan the chance to not lie anymore to me.
This went on for awhile. And as Tori refused to tell her husband about what had happened, and Ryan & I had no other options we continued with our previous plans of moving in together.
(Again, Insanity plea as already been entered.)
At first this worked okay, but not to soon after Tori became unhappy. In her words:
"I'm just not comfortable with you knowing everything that's going on. Not to be rude, but what happens between Ryan & I is our business, not yours."
Excuse me?
What your telling me, is that you want privacy?
While you sleep with my husband?
She must have been out of her damn mind.
And I promptly told her exactly that.
She didn't like that so much...
I informed her that it was infact rude, and selfish to assume that I would give her ANY privacy in the matter after everything that had come to pass. Ryan WOULD give me the respect I deserve and tell me whatever I want to know. I mean I AM HIS WIFE, not her. End of story.
So to exact a passive-aggressive "revenge" if you will, Tori started making Ryan pay for my actions that she felt were not to her liking. Giving him the cold shoulder. Not participating the way she normally would in conversations. Even avoiding him & I both, locking herself and Linnie in her room all night.
This wouldn't have been a big deal to me, but to Ryan it really hurt. In turn, he began to take his frustrations out on me. Becoming impatient & unkind for no reason. Un-attentive and offish during normal "us" things. Nasty and cruel during fights.
One such fight, he broke.
I couldn't even tell you what it was about, definitely something small and unworthy of such a reaction, but your heart can make you crazy.
I knew he had hit bottom when he said the one thing I had been dreading.
"That's it Jaimie! I can't do this! I love you, I always will, but we have grown apart! I'm not IN love with you anymore, okay? We are DONE Jaimie! DONE."
My world, in that moment went silent.
(To be continued..)
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