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Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Only My Mother, Episode one.



My mother is a very complicated creature.
The patience she demands from a person can be infuriating, but the payout will almost always be worth it. Now, I know that this thought process comes from a place of bias as her oldest daughter... but know that even though I am the first person to call my mother on her shit, I am also ALWAYS the one who will fight tooth and nail for her. You want to try & take a piece of her? You want to come at her? You want to try and hurt her? You will have to find your way through me first, and when it comes to her I am never one to budge. 
Good Luck.

As bad as things can get, she is always there for me. No matter what. 
She has always said that to me:
"It's us against the world, Babygurl."

I LOVE my Momma.

That does not mean I am not one prone to also laugh at her expense every once in awhile... a lot of the time my mother can be a pretty good source of entertainment.

Like a few weeks ago. I had called her to check in since she is working hard on renovating her new home from the inside out. I'm talking bought a shell of a house that has been vacant for years and living in an RV in the driveway while they GUT the place and start from scratch. 

And with way more calm than I ever imagined she would have in this situation. But then she reminds me that she is so close to cracking with her recollection of the night before:

"Oh you should have seen it. So we put a gate up since people are obviously still coming up here thinking this place is vacant and dumping their trash. We have left lights on and I let Rory out regularly."

(Rory being their roughly 60lb pitbull mix puppy.)

"Well ya know Eric had to leave to go do something, I can't remember what... but it was getting late & I was a little scared. He told me not to worry, and that if I was scared just to let Rory out that she would scare anyone away easy. Then he said if I was still scared he would leave me the shotgun. At first I was all "oh okay" but after a few minutes I thought, "Wait.. the shotgun?! What do you expect me to to with that?!" And he laughed at me!"

"I'm not sure why leaving you alone and armed is a laughing matter?" 
 I said with a hint of giggles through me sarcasm.

 "Right?! That's what I thought too! I mean I couldn't shoot somebody! I mean I could but I really wouldn't want to and I would probably pee myself or have a heart attack before I even aimed the gun!"

At this point I'm not even hiding my snickering.

"Well did he leave it?"

"Well yes, but unloaded."

"As much as I agree whole heartedly with leaving you ammo-less.. what was his angle?"

This is where she gets serious.

"Well he said "no babe it's okay. God forbid Rory doesn't already scare whoever it is off, but if you are still afraid someone is out there just open the door, stand on the stoop, shout that you have a gun and they need to leave and cock the gun. That sound will scare anyone else away." I thought that sounded pretty good so I agreed."

"Okay... "

"Well awhile after he left I got scared. I thought someone was outside. I waited to make sure it wasn't him, and then after a few minutes I threw open the door & yelled as loud as I could:

"MY DOG WILL EAT YOU! YOU NEED TO LEAVE! OR I WILL SHOOT! *CHA-CHINK!* 
*CHA-CHINK!* *CHA-CHINK!* SICK EM RORY! *CHA-CHINK!* *CHA-CHINK!*"

I took a split second to process what I had just heard, and began to cry from laughing so hard. I could not stop myself. This was to much.

"Mom. Was the "Cha-chink" you cocking the gun?" 
"Yes! I was petrified!"
"So you just kept cocking it?"
"Well yes! Eric said the sound would scare them!"

At this point I couldn't see straight. She was standing her ground and all I could picture was her on the step of the RV in her pajama pants, squinting into the darkness because she can't see without her glasses and yelling at nothing while constantly re-cocking this gun that is already to big and awkward in her hands. My laughter was uncontrollable.

"Momma! You can't keep cocking the gun like that! If there was a person outside, all you did was inform them that you are an easy target with an unloaded gun & no idea what you are doing!"
"Well that's what Eric said when he got home too. I told him he coulda told me that before hand to which he stated he thought it was an un-needed explanation. He thought this was pretty hilarious as well. I'm not sure how my impending doom is so entertaining."

 "Momma, they probably left because the felt bad attacking a person with mental disabilities."

"I coulda died!" 

"But you didn't. You'll be fine. Atleast you got a great story out of it. And hey! 
You learned something new about your shotgun."

"Your going to put this in your blog aren't you?"

"Ellen will have me on her show one day."

These are the things you see characters do in movies, not in real life. Unless its my mother. With her, things that you can think of only in your imagination have probably already been her reality. 

Only my mother. :)


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